I've tired really hard not to head thru this road. to keep my way but all I do is take it anyway. Ive gone thru so many things in my life. Left alone with my brother while my mom works. Lived in a home with no walls. cold showers taken from a hose coming from the oust side. a sink made of two tubs one with hot and cold water. Food stamps babies visiting dad in jail... Ive come ahead.. Never did drugs graduated highschool in three years. gone thru an abortion with my mom... I'd have a 6 yr old brother or sister right now. mom survied breast cancer.. Been right there with her the whole way thru and now this... yea Im in a good place at work.. but I come home and its like who the fuck am I. I just feel like ive painted my heart in black pad locked and thru the key away. Y you ask its the rejection. I've put myself out there so manytimes. hoping that one day... I'd get that oh so happy feeling of recipicated love.. yea no not gonna happen for me. I moved back home to be happy and yet im here as lonley as ever. yea I have friends that sometimes care kinda sux that Im the one always there for everyone but when they see the sign of me in trouble or need not to be alone, everyone has that someone they need to be with or that something else to do. I've never got drunk because I wanted to forget I did for the first time yesterday. and right now all I want to do is get drunk again to just forget numb the pain.As stupid as I know that sounds thats all I want to do. forget about everyone and myself and drowned my pain. funny thing is.. I feel like I inflicted this pain onmyself. I was the one that left, wanted to come back home but I dont even think about him. and what we said we ment for each other... I feel like theres more to life than work home and work home... and sometimes have that person that says they care about you treat you like shit. so much shit built up inside me.... I need to take it out I need an outlet a healthy one and no Im not going to the gym..... I want to go away somewhere... i want to go back to italy and explore somemore or take my trip to england ive been talking about... I need to go... I hve that feeling I want to run way from it all again... Just run and not look back no one will miss me... I might have fun. 