maybes_smashing

hitting a real bad downswing in my mood, no medication, and a couple days in, i got my period too. this is accompanied by hours of crying, irritability, a lack of functioning on most basic levels. ended up trying to hurt myself the other night (which is something i can, for the most part, avoid doing) and i've run out of clean razorblades. i don't like using the ones attached to disposable razors because they leave heavy-duty scars and i'm more of a superficial cutter. i completely freaked, tried a butcher knife, but all of my knives are dull and ended up trying with the knife-end of my wine key from work. for me to attempt to reconcile that image with any semblance of perceived sanity really doesn't work well. in the end, i didn't hurt myself, which is good, but i have to wonder: is it better to keep the tools in the house so i don't flip a shit when i feel like i need them and they're not there or am i going to have instant replays of this shit, searching the house for something sharp enough to make me bleed? christ. this was bound to happen-- i've been pretty okay for months, but not on meds. the nurse told me a couple of months ago to get on it, because we all knew it was coming. i have a friend who's going to get me a month's worth of meds from mexico for $45, but the shit here is like $300.

ugh, really. this can stop anytime now.

i let the tv drag me into watching the notebook again, which is probably never a good idea, but less so now. kat cuddled up with me on the couch and i held her while she slept and i watched the movie and cried. that song gets stuck in my head (i'll be seeing you in all those old familiar places) and i have to consider mortality, like it's something i don't consider everyday anyway. i have this sick fixation on death. not voluntary, just fear. i think it's the only thing i can't handle-- loss so permanent. i just don't think that i'll be coming back if i ever lose anyone close to me. and i don't mean that in an impending-doom-i'm-going-to-kill-myself kind of way, either. i mean it like i really do think i'll lose it and i won't be me anymore.

i fell asleep with her, but then the channel we were watching went off air and that terrible noise filled the room and the remote wouldn't work to mute it and so now i'm kind of on edge, but really tired. so i herded our babies into the bedroom and we all went to bed and i snuggled up on her, but then, you know, just my luck, i got an image in my head for that poem i've been working on, and eight years of this has taught me never to go to sleep and think it'll be there in the morning because it won't. i'm still upset about whatever it was that i had in my head at becky's birthday party because i didn't have a pen or paper and i lost it and i know it was good, or at least something i could work with.

found out today that my mom lost the doublewide. didn't think about it right off, didn't feel like there were really any implications, but sometimes i'm so dense. she's forty-one this coming monday and doesn't have a fucking thing but three kids and an alcoholic partner. she works and works and may as well whore herself out for the little bit she has, and now she's moving back in with my grandparents again. and i can't help but feel a little sad because, at first, you know, trailers are trashy, but when i moved back that summer and lost jessi and met kat, i do have some memories of that little room decorated solely with spider man. i wish there was something i could do. i wish my poor mother didn't have to keep moving back in with her parents. i can't imagine that feeling, that loss of dignity, to have a family and end up relying on your parents over and over.

i've resorted to eating semi-sweet chocolate chips to feel better. i can't wait until this heaviness goes away.