maybes_smashing

for as well as i know myself and as much time as i spend trying to work out my issues, i remain just as oblivious to some of them as i am to obvious advances from those with penises.

i left becky's house tonight feeling hurt and angry, like i put in all this time trying to help her feel better, trying to make her see how beautiful she is and how much respect she deserves and whatever else i've been doing, holding her hand or whatever, and in the end, someone else swooped in and got all the credit for it. that's probably really petty. no, it is really petty. i've been there watching her cry and talking her through it for three nights and crystal swoops in, drops the bomb that nobody wanted to drop when it wasn't hers to drop, and she's still sitting there playing "the good friend".

i'm having all of these friendship issues lately, but you know, i'm genuinely trying for once.

i've noticed that the friendships kat and i have made in the past year have almost all included this sentence, "kat, you're my best friend," when i put in just as much time. and when shit really goes down, i always end up the enemy. but i ride both ends of the spectrum-- i can be cruel (i don't know why, ha), but i'm ten times as kind as i am cruel. but instead, i get to sit with the boyfriends (and kat does too, often enough, this is not the point), like i'm automatically reduced to sitting with the guys and generally being reserved. i don't know, things are all starting to have strange connections for me. all i ever hear lately is that i'm "the smart one" in whatever group i'm in, the detached intellectual. and that's all well and good, but i'm still here holding hands and i feel pain much more easily than most, and i can feel the pain of others and i have been and it's not good enough because i can't trust people with pieces of my history, because that's too close for me, too painful, and i feel vulnerable enough just leaving the house, let alone divulging my pain. plus, i don't feel like other people have ever given a fuck about my stories.

and i realized why i was so upset about losing morgan's friendship (among others), and that was because i trusted her with all that pain that i carry around. that the first time i ever talked to her, i went deep enough for her to automatically become special. when i can trust you with those things, it's not likely that i'll let go very easily.

and i was just thinking that i hate being so far away from anyone who knows my pain. i mean, i don't even know if i have a best friend anymore. we never talk, but we can automatically pick up where we left off, no matter how long, and the love between us is so inherent. i hate the thought that i can't see her face on a regular basis because she always knows how to make it better and if she doesn't know what to say, she's always willing to show me that she loves me anyway and that always makes it better. and lauren is in florida and so is sara and jessi is god knows where. and there are just people who know these parts of me, who've watched me grow, but life gets in the way. divide and conquer.

this distance is like death, like i'm constantly mourning what was because i don't know how to give those pieces of me up the way i used to. all i have here (in that respect) is kat and she can't always be the rock when i falter. i gave patrick an idea and look what i have to show for it, a few pictures and a few memories and uncomfortable silences when we cross paths in this small town. i showed becky the mess i was after my breakup with jessi just yesterday, and i don't know, it was easy, but i've been hurting since then.

i watched the notebook early this morning and cried myself silly. i wonder how much loss a person can handle in a lifetime. i try to build myself up, to be strong, to prepare. i think of what i would do if i ever lost kat or my mother or my grandparents. really not the best thoughts to be entertaining, but someday most of those will become realities, and i don't think i'll be able to handle any of them. i'm so fucking fragile as it is. it's always the ones with the hard edges that break most easily.