say, 8:45pm or so:
i feel so pathetic sometimes.
i managed to convince myself to go to class today out of sheer guilt for not going on tuesday. and partly because my neighbors were being so loud this morning that i couldn't go back to sleep anyway.
i came home exhausted and with fast food, the latter of which makes me feel less than optimal because i eat it EVERYDAY. it's just so quick and i don't have to do anything to sate my hunger, goddammit. i'm already tired enough as it is, why tack on more unnecessary work?
the good thing about the exhaustion and the yucky weather is that kat and i snuggled up on the couch and napped all afternoon. she's soft and sweet and she smells good, but i always wake up after a nap feeling groggy and guilty about not using my day for something productive. and then when i don't nap, i do nothing that's productive anyway. it's this fucking cycle that i can't break and for some reason, i swear that if i were to get back on my medication i'd be better somehow. maybe that's just an excuse, but i won't know until i try, and i won't try until i can afford it.
the house is a disaster area and it's thursday night, which is typically movie night. i look like shit and i don't feel like making myself look presentable, which is so funny because kat was telling me last night that crystal saw my suicidegirls application pictures online the other day and she thinks that lately, even outside of the pictures, i just look so healthy and beautiful or something. god, at least i take the time to cake my face in makeup for work on the weekends so some people think i'm still functional to some degree. i sure as shit don't look like that five out of seven days of the week-- ask my classmates. if i'm in class, my hair's floofy and the maximum amount of makeup i've got on is my eyeliner (may as well have it tattooed on, i don't go anywhere without it) and it's likely my head's nodding.
this is just not the way to deal with life and i need to figure something out. i think the whole reason i haven't yet is because this isn't the normal depression for me-- i'm not having these random emotional fits and spending hours in bed crying or skipping school or work just because i can't bring myself to do it. i'm typically pretty okay, just exhausted and worn down and the only reason i miss work or class is a lack of motivation or i just don't hear the fucking alarm.
i really am considering just buying a bottle of stackers and trying to function normally with the jitters.
now:
i lied. i had my breakdown. i haven't eaten tonight which can be blamed on no one but myself. nothing about this is easy to talk about. i didn't hurt myself, but i wanted to. i need to go to sleep.
i feel so pathetic sometimes.
i managed to convince myself to go to class today out of sheer guilt for not going on tuesday. and partly because my neighbors were being so loud this morning that i couldn't go back to sleep anyway.
i came home exhausted and with fast food, the latter of which makes me feel less than optimal because i eat it EVERYDAY. it's just so quick and i don't have to do anything to sate my hunger, goddammit. i'm already tired enough as it is, why tack on more unnecessary work?
the good thing about the exhaustion and the yucky weather is that kat and i snuggled up on the couch and napped all afternoon. she's soft and sweet and she smells good, but i always wake up after a nap feeling groggy and guilty about not using my day for something productive. and then when i don't nap, i do nothing that's productive anyway. it's this fucking cycle that i can't break and for some reason, i swear that if i were to get back on my medication i'd be better somehow. maybe that's just an excuse, but i won't know until i try, and i won't try until i can afford it.
the house is a disaster area and it's thursday night, which is typically movie night. i look like shit and i don't feel like making myself look presentable, which is so funny because kat was telling me last night that crystal saw my suicidegirls application pictures online the other day and she thinks that lately, even outside of the pictures, i just look so healthy and beautiful or something. god, at least i take the time to cake my face in makeup for work on the weekends so some people think i'm still functional to some degree. i sure as shit don't look like that five out of seven days of the week-- ask my classmates. if i'm in class, my hair's floofy and the maximum amount of makeup i've got on is my eyeliner (may as well have it tattooed on, i don't go anywhere without it) and it's likely my head's nodding.
this is just not the way to deal with life and i need to figure something out. i think the whole reason i haven't yet is because this isn't the normal depression for me-- i'm not having these random emotional fits and spending hours in bed crying or skipping school or work just because i can't bring myself to do it. i'm typically pretty okay, just exhausted and worn down and the only reason i miss work or class is a lack of motivation or i just don't hear the fucking alarm.
i really am considering just buying a bottle of stackers and trying to function normally with the jitters.
now:
i lied. i had my breakdown. i haven't eaten tonight which can be blamed on no one but myself. nothing about this is easy to talk about. i didn't hurt myself, but i wanted to. i need to go to sleep.
Sometimes the weather plays a role in how we feel, sometimes. You have alot to be happy about, what is going on behind those eyes, i don't always know, but I know how awesome it is when we speak. I know how you make me think that I've known you forever when we bullshit online.
Yeah I feel the same fucking way when i take naps, I feel like i've missed something by napping, like I've let time pass without doing laundry or playing guitar or chatting on the phone or something, anything. I usually wake up from a nap in a very anti-social, very bad mood. Well I know this isn't the most interesting Journal entry but you take care okay? Hope to hear from you soon shitbird, P.S. You make me smile...........L8er..........Aj