maxi

I went home yesterday early since i have a stomach flu since Tuesday, i am so weak, and the stress and drama from all this relationship crap is wearing me down.
He was sitting there surprised and happy to see me and prob confused why i was home at 2. He had partially packed some items. then started to pack more. we were civil we talked. we cried. we love eachohter so dearly. Our relationship started out about 3 years ago in the office. My husband had neglected me emotionally and intimately. but was a good man non the less. I am a very reasonable person. I left my husband and my cushy home which sits in the middle of the city's most popular area for yuppies and such. to find happiness with Ant. to have passion in my life. to feel alive and adored and appreciated. Ant once made me feel as though i Completed him. this made me very happy. It started with his porn appetite. Now despite what you may think i do or do not do in my modeling i feel as though the closest thing i have ever done to porn was last weeks salad/ Fridge shoot. which was actually a spoof on porn. Just in case there are people out there whom feel i am being unfair. anyway, i felt a bit more then competitive about or towards his fantasy world, but his dispute was all men like it and as long as he's taking care of Business at home then what my gripe.. well a year past since then and he has escalated to more than porn, its now ogling at women while i am with him to becoming infatuated with people that we know. and now he is not taking care of business anymore, or has depleted a great deal. bascically become detached from me a great deal.
So I can accept the idea that someone can grow tired of their mate after some time. It hurts, but it happens. It doesn't mean i love the idea of it. hell it angers me . I think of how men or people spend such a great deal trying to capture the one mate they are smitten with, they practically jump through hoops and all to only catch her then spend the rest of the time trying to escape or daydreaming about all the other ones they don't have. I say we all need tattoos that have an expiration date on them, like a bar Code. that says i will only love your till this date, Of course all dates will not be the same which makes someone at sometime or another heartbroken or pissed off feeling cheated by life. In this case i am that person.
But i said to him, i can accept that you are not interested in me any longer, since you are controlled by your fantasy life where in you are only moved by what is new and anonymous, which i can never be. but then be honest about it, let me go and have the chance to find the person who does not live by his fantasy and wants a real heavy passionate relationship with a real woman...
I say that once you have crossed that line of no longer being interested in someone you can never get it back, if its gone its gone, unless you are one of those assholes whom only want what they can't have or only want you because they don't want anyone else to have you.
I refuse to be in a relationship where someone wants me as a companion and not a lover. I am not 60. i want a lover and a companion in one. i want what i use to have in him with him or nothing at all. I am not sure this is even possible, now that we have reached this point.
and thats where I am today Boys and girls, Happy New years.