mavenist

So I was in another odd pensive mood today.
I keep having these 'big life questions' on my mind. Today was religion. And all i could conclude was that all religions are so damn fucked and far fetched and i suppose any 'real religious' person believes whole heartedly in what they believe and I don't know how to possibly explain how what i believe is any more truthful or holy. But I did think this...at the least I came to my conclusion on my own.

I was not raised in a religious home. No one forced me into attending church or force fed me bullshit. I researched on my own and came to my own conclusions. And I still do research; I always want to know more about other peoples beliefs.

The only thing that i cant comprehend... is not believing in SOMETHING... more...larger...bigger than oneself.
I am always so happy to be living. I remember a time when I didn't and I can never imagine being in that mind frame again and i suppose that has to do with maturing. I am each and every day in love with life. So what that sometimes it isn't all that i want it to be but looking at the things around me never cease to amaze me. There is something about the earth that captivates me and i like being an infinitely small part of it.

So my father has been on my mind a lot lately too. He seems to keep being brought up by people, which i don't mind but it makes me think of it more than i normally do. I realized its been 6 and a half years since he was murdered.. time has passed so quickly. I miss him a lot at times.. I just wish he could see me because I think he'd really be proud of me and i miss his laugh terribly. When ever i miss him i always have this memory of him when i'm like 5 and were laying on the couch and i'm on his big belly and its rising and falling with his breathing and i'm so comfy and i fit perfectly....

I should be in my hometown this weekend and i haven't been to his grave in forever.. I think I will go lay with him.