maude

i wish my mom wasn't downstairs watching a movie, i'd be punchin' and kickin' it up, even though i already worked out once today....oh wait, movie's over. well maybe i'll go do that. i just want to fight. i have never been in a fight in my life and i just want to kick someone's ass. someone specific who happens to be making my mom very miserable right now. not my dad, his fucking whore on the side. i bet i could take her. she is very very lucky that i don't know who she is. i'd be on the way over right now. to beat her ass in front of her stupid kid. she is guilting my dad into not leaving her by bringing her little twatfruit into the mess. fucking whore. i'd happily do it in public. i'd happily be arrested for it. i have no record whatsoever and i would give that up just to kick her ass. and gladly explain it to any future employers. just a permanent way of saying "don't fuck with my mommy." it's getting very very hard to work because of this. all i want to do is attack people. most of the guys i work with are very nice and understanding about it. i'm glad they're awesome. yesterday all i could think was "is that her? how about that chick?" she's only seven years older than me. i can't talk to my dad. i just don't want to. he's been in and out of the house the past couple days. i can't ask him outright who she is because he wouldn't tell me. and i don't know if my mom even knows. FUCK i am pissed off. both last night and tonight i just drove back and forth on the highway, smoking and blasting music (preferably Skindred's The Beginning of Sorrows because it's fantastic) after work to try and calm down. it only made it worse tonight. i really hope i don't snap at my boyfriend tomorrow. but i doubt i'll be able to forget about it for a day. i've been trying to watch happy things when i go to bed, Yellow Submarine last night and Nosferatu the night before (it's happy and relaxing to ME) but it's not really helping. so tonight i'm gonna punch and kick and do that other tae bo stuff until i'm too exhausted to do it anymore (i've gained weight, or at least fat, lately anyway) and then probably crash in bed with Reservoir Dogs. i wish i had Sin City, that would work, too. i wish i didn't hate most metal so much because i could go to a show somewhere. but the state of music is very shitty. and no one really wants to hear me rant about kicking some unknown bitch's ass. not even people here, i bet.

at least i'm getting that Monty Python box set tomorrow. it's sitting in my box at work waiting for me. and i'll be trading in my copy of Edward Scissorhands towards the special edition that just came out.