AN OPEN LETTER TO MY LANDLORD.
Dear Mr Landlord.
A few pointers for the future. Not that the future will involve me, since I am moving out next weekend.
1. When blagging your property off on someone, please do remember to tell them that there is no hot water in the entire building apart from the shower. Also please ensure that the aforementioned shower is actually powerful enough to remove small molecules of dirt from skin. Incidentally, informing someone that the hot water for the shower is powered by a pay meter which absorbs money like a dry sponge would also be a plus. Advertising the property as having an en suite bathroom if the bath can only be filled by the lukewarm shower (resulting in a cold bath, taking roughly 30 minutes to fill) is in fact a lie by omission.
2. If a property has electricity provided by a meter, please do not sneakily decrease the amount of electricity bought for a pound coin slowly over the months of a tenancy. Many tenants are not in fact idiots and notice when they're spending roughly double the amount of money on electricity since their arrival.
3. Since there is no hot water, no gas, the electricity is paid for by the tenant and the council tax is covered by the actual rent (since the rent went up when the council tax did), advertising the property as *** utilities inclusive is, in fact, another lie.
4. If employing builders to change the ludicrously ancient window frames within flats, please give notice more than 24 hours before they have to arrive and gut the rooms. A tenant may in fact have plans for their weekend beyond moving all their furniture and sitting in a dust-filled flat while the aforesaid builders tear down their walls. If you really wish to surprise the tenants in this way, it may be an idea to bring the builders in on your sneaky plans so that they don't inform the tenant that they've known of the job for the last 6 weeks.
5. While on the topic of builders, if contracting them to gut the bathrooms in the house as well it might be an idea to arrange for them to not do this to them simultaneously. This is on the off chance that one of the tenants may want to use the toilet (or the shower) sometime during the 11 hours it will take them to complete the job. Perhaps booking this job for a weekday when more of the tenants are likely to be at work rather than trying to enjoy a relaxing Sunday might also be an idea.
6. Please do not register surprise when a tenant gives you his notice for the third time running in as many days. It's really not that hard to remember, and may cause the tenant to believe you to be a retard as well as an incompetent.
7. Registering surprise may also be out of place in a couple of days when I have failed to pay you my last months rent. It will get to you when I feel like it, you son of a bitch. You may now commence sweating and swearing in frustrated annoyance. This may give you an insight into the mindset of your tenants, which is of course a valuable asset.
Yours sincerly,
Mr Organic
P.S. Bite my shiny metal ass.
Dear Mr Landlord.
A few pointers for the future. Not that the future will involve me, since I am moving out next weekend.
1. When blagging your property off on someone, please do remember to tell them that there is no hot water in the entire building apart from the shower. Also please ensure that the aforementioned shower is actually powerful enough to remove small molecules of dirt from skin. Incidentally, informing someone that the hot water for the shower is powered by a pay meter which absorbs money like a dry sponge would also be a plus. Advertising the property as having an en suite bathroom if the bath can only be filled by the lukewarm shower (resulting in a cold bath, taking roughly 30 minutes to fill) is in fact a lie by omission.
2. If a property has electricity provided by a meter, please do not sneakily decrease the amount of electricity bought for a pound coin slowly over the months of a tenancy. Many tenants are not in fact idiots and notice when they're spending roughly double the amount of money on electricity since their arrival.
3. Since there is no hot water, no gas, the electricity is paid for by the tenant and the council tax is covered by the actual rent (since the rent went up when the council tax did), advertising the property as *** utilities inclusive is, in fact, another lie.
4. If employing builders to change the ludicrously ancient window frames within flats, please give notice more than 24 hours before they have to arrive and gut the rooms. A tenant may in fact have plans for their weekend beyond moving all their furniture and sitting in a dust-filled flat while the aforesaid builders tear down their walls. If you really wish to surprise the tenants in this way, it may be an idea to bring the builders in on your sneaky plans so that they don't inform the tenant that they've known of the job for the last 6 weeks.
5. While on the topic of builders, if contracting them to gut the bathrooms in the house as well it might be an idea to arrange for them to not do this to them simultaneously. This is on the off chance that one of the tenants may want to use the toilet (or the shower) sometime during the 11 hours it will take them to complete the job. Perhaps booking this job for a weekday when more of the tenants are likely to be at work rather than trying to enjoy a relaxing Sunday might also be an idea.
6. Please do not register surprise when a tenant gives you his notice for the third time running in as many days. It's really not that hard to remember, and may cause the tenant to believe you to be a retard as well as an incompetent.
7. Registering surprise may also be out of place in a couple of days when I have failed to pay you my last months rent. It will get to you when I feel like it, you son of a bitch. You may now commence sweating and swearing in frustrated annoyance. This may give you an insight into the mindset of your tenants, which is of course a valuable asset.
Yours sincerly,
Mr Organic
P.S. Bite my shiny metal ass.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
catcher01:
magenta:
yey i wondered where u went 