matt_organic

This has, all in all, not been a good evening. One of the things keeping me going through the past year in Blackpool has been the thought that my band might be on it's way somewhere once I get out of here. Recently it's started burning in the back of my head, because we haven't played a gig since November and I want to get our CD out. Our label and producer have started getting onto us about it as well, which I thought might get the other 3 into motion.

But instead I received a group email today from our guitarist - the guy I basically started the band with, lived with for 2 years and was my best mate in York. Apparently we've 'all moved on' from it now. This was news to me, since the last time I spoke to him he was as keen to get things going again as I was. I know that things can be tricky with me being a couple of hours away, but not really that tricky. I'm gutted about it to be honest, because I really believe in the band and because this is how I found out about it.

I know I put a few people through shit when I was in York, and I could have been a much nicer person than I was. But since I left it's seemed like hardly anyone I knew there has had an active interest in maintaining contact with me at all, let alone close contact. This includes people I spent pretty much every day with for years, who I considered to be closer to myself than any of the other friends I've ever made.

In some ways this feels liberating, now I have nothing holding me from flying off in whatever direction I want and making a new life for myself. But frankly I'm not the kind of person who finds a lack of ties to be liberating. I want a home, I want a close group of friends and places to go and hang out. I want what I had in York, and now I don't think I ever actually had it at all.