matt_organic

I'm finding it increasingly hard nowadays to put anything of interest in my journals, both here and at LiveJournal. I don't know whether this implies some sort of cramping of my writing capabilities or the simple fact that pretty much nothing happens in my life nowadays. Every week is exactly the same - spend 5 days of it inputting data, then come home and laze around online because I have no energy for anything else. My weekends are also spent online except for Friday nights when I go out to the local metal club to dance and talk to people who I know, most of whom wouldn't give a rat's ass if I turned up in 5 pieces in a dumpster one day.

I try to have the time and energy for my hobbies, if only to lift me into some semblance of activity and to take my mind off where I'm living and my lack of social life and love life. But at the end of every day, I find myself so tired that I just can't shake myself out of apathy. It's really bad because it's beginning to affect my health as well as my mental wellbeing. Sitting in a chair at work all day and then just moving to one at home means I'm getting no exercise - and I eat really unhealthily, meaning that not only am I putting on weight but I'm also probably fucking my body slowly but surely.

There is a lack of things to do around here but to be honest I really should, at 23, be able to make the best of a bad situation and create my own lifestyle just from myself and the things/people around me. It just all seems so difficult (even though it's not) and so pointless. The actual genuine friends I have in this town I never get round to seeing, which will only serve to alienate me completely. I'm holding out for when I move back over to York or Leeds, which in my mind have achieved some kind of golden, Utopian state. Yet I know they don't have that in reality - there are many problems involved with going back to both places, mainly concerning people rather than the location. I miss my friends over there a whole lot, but I don't think it's just paranoia talking to say that they're far less concerned about me. I've been back home for about 8 months now and received a total of 2 phone calls from them. I've rung them I don't know how many times.

I didn't intend this to be such a whining post but I feel quite lost right now and I really don't know how I want to carry on anymore. Everything I hold onto seems to be fraying away and I don't want to have to make another fresh start. But it looks like that is what it's going to have to be.