matamoras

I've got my finger on the trigger but I don't know who to trust when I look into your eyes........
I rarely do.
I held eye contact with that waiter just so I could watch him stumble my order, but not with you.
You talk slow, slow, slow
and I think my brain moves too far too fast
because I'm a thousand miles awy befor...
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Take me back to the start........
because I remember
December and the fogged out window
of your bathroom
when I was too sick in love to stay away
from you but so sick with fever that we turned your bathtub into a makeshift vaporizer.
One week alone at the beginning
as close to sex as we could get.
I was so sick, maybe the sickest...
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ill, update soon.

I was truly truly happy so why was I stalling coming home?
Running errands at the ATM and hitting Target before it closed even though I'd not a thing to buy.
Because I knew I'd lose that true high when I got home and I did.

I met an amazing group of people. People that I never would have been friends with under any other...
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Stress is going to kill me, I'm sure of it.

I'm not talking about the cool professors. I'm talking about the typical ones. The ones you become after graduate school helps you to decide that you're smarter than most of your peers. That's the kind of one my father-in-law is. Not the kind my father is.

There is little I despise more than spending time with my husband's family. I am an enigma to them...
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So I thought I would be journaling/updating on Christmas. As it turns out, it is already the day after. My other's parents are coming in tomorrow and as I'm sitting here looking at the Christmas cards taped on my kitchen wall (a tacky tradition jacked from my mom) all I can think is that they look tacky and they don't look level and they will...
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There was one speck of time yesterday
when everything was startling.
The haze from the pills had worn off. (I'm sure of it, yes I'm damn sure of it.)
It was clarity.
I had it
and you were not there.
All the things I supposed to say were in my head
like a script memorized,
but you were not there.
And so last night was...
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I
think
I
have
a
broken heart.

I can't stand this emo bullshit mood I'm in.
Because I'm afraid it's not a mood.

He sits next to me, jangling the lighter in his pocket.
Five numbers of zipcode, and a list of preferences:
Smoking Always,
Drinking Socially,
And I upload his face onto the screen.
A woman searching for a man,
We scroll to him quickly, his long hair,
That his brother, my husband, once had,
The giveaway.
My brother-in-law.
As lawful as Vegas gets the week before...
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I just got a kick in the ass from a friend. She said some pretty powerful shit that is true and right.
A) I've been getting by on book smarts because it's easier for me.
B) I'm not being creative because it takes me out of my comfort zone.
C) Failing under a true artist is better than excelling under a kindergarten teacher.

Fucking right...
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I'm so fucking stressed. I have exactly 8 more days of classes this term and I swear to Holy Chrsit it's sucking the life out of me. Have you ever been in a room with someone who has an evil about them? They soul suck or something, I swear. I hate pretending to like people I don't like. And in reality I like very few...
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