matamoras

However much I make it out, it's never enough....whatever I do it's never enough...

Money is the number one cause of divorce.
Go figure.

I have approximately five months of school left.
I can't wait to get the fuck out.

Sometimes my mind wanders to the quality
of the paper plates that you are eating that
Chinese take-out on Christmas Day, and then I'm sad
that you are eating that instead of a huge homemade meal (because my mother always makes too much).
Sometimes I wonder what it is you would say
when I say, "I hurt and I don't know why.
I hate where...
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I think I may actually enjoy doing what I'm going to school for - crazy idea - I know. Today I did some good work and I feel good about it. It's odd, working with your hands when you've been groomed to be an "academic".

But liking what you do doesn't always chase away the sickness, the anxiety that leaks into every aspect of my...
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Yesterday and today were ok, dare I say they were good? I'm at the point in my life where I remember being smarter, edgier, more educated. Yes, that's possible, even at an older age to be less educated. I'm not complaining, not about that at least, I'm not attempting to push any academic boundaries.
Not again.
Not yet.
Today, I'm just learning to survive and...
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I am a music widow.
I call people and hound them to come get haircuts so I will graduate on time.
I have lost 9 pounds and counting.
I may come to New York to see SNL in APril.
I may go to a hair show in Philly in May.
I am going to Delaware in July or August.

Oh, and yeah, Pittsburgh's going to...
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I wrote this whole journal entry. It was, like woah long and it was basically a huge rant. It was titled Rant. I lost it and couldn't save it. Guess i wasn't meant to post it.

Today was a mental health day for me. (I think I need a week or so.)

Upcoming trips:
New York in April, perhaps?
Philly in May.

"But if what you do to survive kills the thing you love...fear's a powerful thing..."

Sometimes we make life a ton harder than it has to be.
Fucking idiots.

I am so tired.
I take vitamins.
I eat 900 calories per day.
I have lost seven pounds in three weeks.
I go to school 35 hours per week.
Everyone is always telling me how tired I look.
I hate this.
Don't drink, don't smoke and I have the most bloodshot eyes.
It's allergies, man. And it sucks.
Don't let anybody fool you - getting...
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Life wouldn't be much of anything without struggle.
I know this.
But what lesson am I missing that I must continue to struggle with the same thing?
What lesson have I been missing since I was 5?
Can you really ever outrun yourself? Outsmart your brain? Conquer your fears?
I'm a quitter.
Everyone knows this about me.
I'm trying not to quit this time.
Why...
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Yeah so I changed my picture, not that you can see much of my face, but I liked this one the best.
I have a half a million people to call back and I hate the telephone.
I need to stumble across some new poetry. I always find it fucking hard to find new poets I like and I can only read my old poets...
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It's been a hell of a week.
In six months time I should be ready to graduate.
Finally fucking prepared to do something real,
something tangible.
My independence is this.
In six months time, I could be prepared for something.
Check back in 6 months to see if I did it.
All bets are on.

I miss my old friends like a crazy fierce person...
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