masseffection

I'm going to be bluntly honest in this journal, since I know that no one who's known me over the past years has read it, or reads it.

I can't sleep, and I felt I had to write this somewhere.

You told me someone else was in love with you at a time I was feeling like I needed more space. I felt like I wanted to be a bit more free. So, I had the slight hope.. maybe I could break up with and you wouldn't be completely heartbroken because you had someone else to love and support you other than me.

But then things changed. I started getting more and more depressed. I had no idea what I was feeling. I still don't. But I do know I was jealous. Mostly because I had never heard of this person before, then, BAM. They love you? But that's all besides the point.

The break up ended up being mutual. At a time that I wasn't, and I'm still not, stable with my emotions - or anything really. But.. I could handle that. I knew you still loved me, cared for me, and wanted to be my friend.

What I couldn't handle, though.. is how, now.. everything almost seemed like a lie. It took you a matter of less than a week to tell the person who fell in love with you that you love them too. It took you less than a week to be completely over me enough to date someone else and tell them you love them. Yet you were the one going on about how you didn't understand why our relationhip had to end.. you said you loved me so much and wanted to still be with me. It took you less than a month to show her your picture. It took you six months to show me. It took you months to fall in love with me.. And in a week you love her? You know her for a month and you're meeting her. I know, it's the distance.. How she's not that far. But.. still. You knew me for almost a year, dated me for over three months.

I sit here crying. Reliving all these feelings. How you couldn't have possibly loved me as much as you thought you did if you could fall in love with someone else that quickly. Yes, I do believe you love her and I do believe that you loved me. Just not as much as you thought you did.

Yes, I am happy for you. Yes, I do think you're better off with her. And yes, I did want to be with you again.. but you found someone else. You showed me that I am replaceable. And, I truly don't want to ruin what you have now. It has to be so much more comforting having someone so much more like you.. and closer to you. No, I won't go back out with you now. You have her. And no, I don't care if she reads this and find out how much of a self-centered, heartless bitch I am. Because I already know I am one. It'd probably even be better for her to read it, in some sense.

Though, I do wish I knew her. I do wish she was someone who'd look me in the eye. I do wish I could tell her how lucky she is to have the most beautiful, caring person in the world. I do wish that I knew for sure that she won't break your heart.

Please don't cry. I still love you. I still want you in my life forever. Just.. not with her in the same room right now.. I need to get over our relationship. I guess you heal faster than I do.

I don't think I'll be online, at least not on any messangers until after she's gone. And if you're fair to her, you won't call me while she's there, she doesn't need the added stress. Especially after you've read this and she has to comfort you because of my honest stupidity.

I do love you. And I do hate myself.