mary

i am eating some cookies a sweet grandma in frankfurt made me. today i just feel disappointed in myself in an undefinable way. i feel quite redundant but not because im doing exactly what i want to be doing over and over. i dont have any food here im in the mood to eat, cept these, and they make me all introspective, chewing on places i used to be and people i used to be there with.
when you live in a climate that is often cold, or usually wet, when the sunny days happen by chance, unexpected, you get on that damn bike, and peddle somewhere, you go out to lunch, you order juice and mentally decide to eat more carrots, spinach, everyday. you play bad harmonica next to the river and watch the pidgeons fuck with an eathreal expression on your face. you pick up a course-listings catalog from your local higher learning plant and begin scheming to feed your brain soon. the point is, you smell everything, you have a new energy.
but when you live in a climate that is largely perfect, and sunshine is as regular as morning coffee, what reminds you to appreciate it? what motivates you? you have to motivate yourself to have constant energy, because change and unpredictable energy sources are not as near to you, and even though you can be grateful you can also be immune, because there is no urgency. and so often the simple pleasures are eclipsed by the much more complicated ones.
i guess its the travellor in me realising more concretely that this bird's got its wings bolted to a wall for a while. the question is: will i be productive in the things that matter to me, bolted here?
nows the time to stop and ask yourself mary, why the fuck are you writing this on the internet??????
maybe a secret ploy to feel accountable to .....something.
hmmmm. mama said there'd be days like this.