marlowe

the false facade of "everything's ok"

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved"

"Paining me throuh: those sounds grow strange to me,
And thou are distant in Humanity."


The plastic package for the poor
who have no selves to sell
and all is good and well
I hope all is good and well.

when I have no self to sell...

Ever feel like you don't have anything to offer people? You are useless?
I will solace in the fact that I will learn something form this. I will take this and channel it for the things I had no passion before to accomplish. Some spells take love, some faith, others determination.... some, just take pure passion and emotion... which is all I have left to use.

I will grow and have more than eyes to fill my cup as those poor plastic people run by in their rush to finish. I will project the world I wish to be in.

In other news... I almost lost it again today. Somethings are better left unsaid, but here is another thing for me to regret in the morning:

I had another realistic dream last night. We were trying to distract people to get a mission done. Some had snuck in under the pretenses that they were dead bodies... unfortunately the leader I was distracting wanted me to open one of them up and show him the research that "had been done". There I was... the future of our cause and the life of the martyr that would have been my comrade.;... and me with the long rod to take tissue samples.... and I felt the fear and sadness I stood with a straight face and plunged it into the poor girl. It's odd to know how one would react in such a situation. I am slightly ashamed to know.

I then woke and found it later than it should have been. I rushed to find clothing for class and wanted to wear my women's rights shirt, but couldn't find it. Instead I grabbed a hellraiser shirt and ran to class. Oddly enough the teacher had forgotten his lecture on gun laws at home and decided to talk about rape (the next lecture). He talked about how violent horror movies of the 80's contributed to hostilities against women. I was slightly taken back. I left the class thinking of the Bush song with sex and violence only to get on a bus that was playing that song. I left our little world for a little while and wasn't sure if I wanted to come back this time. My inner voice told me to be calm and I knew that zen was far at this point... but I didn't want to come back.

I hate coincidences....
I hate running into people that you don't want to run into and feeling as if it's some cosmic coincidence to let you know that you are headed in the wrong direction.
I hate when you wanted to head that way.
I hate the need for humans to want love, esp. a perfect one that would never exist.

To love and be loved, eh? I love too much and have too little to love in return.
Today a crazy man cam e up to me and introduced himself. He then stood there and looked at me. I asked him what he wanted and he said "to tell you you are a goddess". I don't take compliments well and blushed while averting my eyes.

I deeply want someone to tell me I'm beautiful and mean it. I want someone to love me for all of my insanity. I will not settle for less... and so I will not settle at all.

If I am a goddess it is one of confusion, compassion, and child-like awe.

and it is with that that I will go and hope of better dreams to fill me with the life that I long for... for good or bad, the passionate feelings that one needs to feel human.