markus001

I've been thinking.

ScarletVW made a rather good point in my last blog post; I'm not really emo enough to be appreciated in the Skinny group. This led me to think - is it not just that group I'm not really emo enough for, but the whole of SG?

Suicidegirls is great fun, don't get me wrong. But I worry that I don't really belong anywhere - I'm not alternative enough, and I'm not pierced or tattooed. Even my brother thinks it wouldn't suit me, and he IS tattooed and pierced. Then again, women fawn over him like no tomorrow. The guys think and know he is cooler than me. Nobody really looks at the thin as a rake and bookish younger brother, whose best attritbute is that he's a writer, really.

Thing is, I'm happy and confident with who I am. What makes me angry is that now I've embraced who I am, nobody else seems to want to. I know this is a bit of a random collection of thoughts, but I've been getting frustrated about my life and where it's going. It's weird, I just don't feel awfully appreciated. I've got another audition for another musical (My Fair Lady) and though I have no dobut I'll do well, I probably won't get the role because everyone thinks I look 17.

I don't mind having a baby-face, but gaaah why do people always judge you by it? People think I'm 'a little sweetie' all the time or they don't look at me because I'm not rough n' ready like people aged 22 should be. The most frustrating thing is being told that when I'm an old man, I'll be thankful. Great, like that helps me now. Now, you may read this and think 'You can't possibly be confident with who you are if you're worried about all this shit'. Thing is I am happy with what I do, I'm not embarassed by myself and I know I'm not ugly...so what am I worried about? I don't know. I think my problem is that I rely on people saying stuff to me to make me feel better, since if they don't vocalise it, I usually think that they think I'm not worth bothering with.

Maybe I just want a bit of tenderness every now and then

Also, I'm inherently jealous of my brother; you know the guy all the girls fancied at school, and always asked the younger/older sibling they weren't interested in to pass on messages of love and affection to them? That was him. I actually told my brother recently that I had always been slightly jealous. He gave me a funny look and said 'Why?'. I was kind of embarassed to admit my own idiocy. See, at Christmas I was told by a girl the precise reasons girls found my brother more attractive than me; and trust me when I say it fucking hurts when someone tells you the details. For a while it did hurt, btu I got over it and myself. The best bit was when I told my brother about that. He said 'Fuck it, that girl's a slag'.

Nothing like brotherly love to make ya feel better

So, what has this whole entry been about? Maybe I'm just having some identity crisis at the moment; the people in my office don't 'get me' - My sense of humour, style etc...they act a bit weird towards me, leave me out of their social occasions and all that. Don't particularly care, they think that being sick is the good sign of a night out. So I'm looking for something better. Also, am tired of spare parts ordering Only done it a month and it's already irritating as hell! It's not a hideous job actually, but it doesn't half get tedious...

I think I just needed to vent all this I feel better now actually Now I'm going to enjoy the sun

Oh, and I'm not leaving SG I've decided

xxx