markus001

Hey there, to the few people who post on my journal.

I'm doing okay. Overworked as fuck and with a mood that gestures wildly between really ecstatic and down in the severe dumps, but hey. I'm surviving.

I suppose I should be enjoying single life. Problem is, I'm not. Because I have no-one to share it with; my friends are always bloody busy, and I'm starting to feel peripheral in my own friendship groups.

This generally leads to paranoia about me; I'm not particularly outrageous, for example. I want to rebel, sometimes i get tempted to get a tattoo (although since my dad is paying for my masters year and he will actually kill me if I so much as suggest it or do it) but everyone I know, even the goths, say it 'doesn't really suit me'. I look too sweet.

That's just my problem. Nobody finds me 'hot', I'm just 'nice'. Nice city. Now, for every man who gets told he's nice, people know it isn't a good thing to be told. Mainly because its inadvertently patronising and because women don't like 'nice' men. Its the way of the world. They go for nice men when they're tired of the far sexier and dirtier 'bad boys' - which makes me feel fucking awesome, I mean, which man doesn't want to feel like the last sandwich on the shelf that somebody only picked up because they were tired of trying all the others? Not me, noooo.

The other problem is the fact I have no idea how to communicate with women; oh, I can be the gay friend - for someone who isn't gay, I don't do a bad job - but if I so much as crush on a girl, I become utterly useless and it comes off as deeply weird.

The problem is that all the girls I know aren't attracted to unashamed geeks as I happen to be. My biggest rebellion is taking my writing pad on trips and writing imagery I see as potential for my book, when everyone else plays their gameboys or chats. I see myself as an artist, but everyone else thinks I'm weird.

*sigh*


The other night, I met a girl. We got on well, she had broken up with a boyfriend and we were both in rebound city. I looked after her as she was very upset by her boyfriend being a bit of a cock...but she made me feel something. Being needed by someone. By a girl. I haven't felt it in a while, and I nearly wept when I realised I wouldn't be able to feel it in a while. Me and girl are merely friends now of course, but I just...gah. I don't know. I want to feel needed again.

Everyone else seems to be getting together and it feels like they're rubbing my nose in it by doing so; not deliberately, but I've been seeing way too much kissing-cuddling-shagging lately, and I'm sick and goddamned tired of it.

Okay, rant over.

I'll probably post images of me in costume and make-up for the play, 'The Hollow Crown' soon - unfortunately, I have no digi photos yet! Will take some pre-performance on Monday. I look quite cool. I'm painted up to look dead, and I'm wearing a tux. I've never looked so creepy