Funny,
The "am I an asshole" thread reminds me of a time in my life when I did the same thing..
All the signs were there, I wasn't oblivious to that, but I was scared to death, she was right there, bedroom eyes fixated on mine, gently biting her lip in anticipation, I shyed away nervously, hidden under the covers, I knew what she was after, a glimmer in her eye, the whole time thinking to myself, "why does she want me? out of all of the people in this world, out of everyone that gushes admiration, and adoration towards her in life, she wants me, the fuck up, the social misfit" But she doesn't see it that way, she views herself the same as me, the weird person, the quirky one, maybe even the last person alive with actual morals and ethics and integrity at times that truly aren't fabricated like so many portray.
Terrified of the immediate power she had over me, the personality traits that struck a resounding chord of another who had been my best friend, the "one" at the time, and then later nearly became the death of me, emotionally at least.
Trust issues, my biggest personality flaw, instead of letting people in and being friendly right off the bat until they screw me over, I analyze and decipher how they will fuck me, I always see it coming, I know everyone's ploys, their facades like rice paper walls, it's the ones that I can't see through that scare me the most.
Unfortunately all of the shit that's happened to me, has held me back in relationships, but no matter how broken ayone is, the longing for something with substance and longevity never subsides, the search for your equal.
We can only hope..
Just as you should have kissed her, so should I have.
The "am I an asshole" thread reminds me of a time in my life when I did the same thing..
All the signs were there, I wasn't oblivious to that, but I was scared to death, she was right there, bedroom eyes fixated on mine, gently biting her lip in anticipation, I shyed away nervously, hidden under the covers, I knew what she was after, a glimmer in her eye, the whole time thinking to myself, "why does she want me? out of all of the people in this world, out of everyone that gushes admiration, and adoration towards her in life, she wants me, the fuck up, the social misfit" But she doesn't see it that way, she views herself the same as me, the weird person, the quirky one, maybe even the last person alive with actual morals and ethics and integrity at times that truly aren't fabricated like so many portray.
Terrified of the immediate power she had over me, the personality traits that struck a resounding chord of another who had been my best friend, the "one" at the time, and then later nearly became the death of me, emotionally at least.
Trust issues, my biggest personality flaw, instead of letting people in and being friendly right off the bat until they screw me over, I analyze and decipher how they will fuck me, I always see it coming, I know everyone's ploys, their facades like rice paper walls, it's the ones that I can't see through that scare me the most.
Unfortunately all of the shit that's happened to me, has held me back in relationships, but no matter how broken ayone is, the longing for something with substance and longevity never subsides, the search for your equal.
We can only hope..
Just as you should have kissed her, so should I have.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
elisabeth:
Thanks for the wonderful post in my journal. I can completely relate to yours, esp. the second to the last paragraph. And this too shall pass...
josh:
emo puppy