mariah

ok. this is my first official journal entry. i'm not really sure where to start. i go to school in fredonia and every day is basically the same. i am very, very glad because spring break starts tomorrow. it's really lame that we only get one break this semester and i feel like i've been waiting for it forever. so, fredonia. . . i hate it here. i have no friends and i miss my family and i have a pseudo-boyfriend at home who i go insane without. so basically, i've crossed the brink of insanity about five days a week. i go home on weekends because my step-dad got a job in a neighboring town.
so the whole not having friends thing- it's not because i don't try. i had a tight-knit group of friends at the beginning of the first semester and they were great. i had a lot of fun. i have no idea what happened. they just slowly stopped hanging out with me. the only time they would include me in anything, is when i brought it up or whatever. this is why i don't bother being friends with girls. it's not the first time something like this has happened. it hurts a lot too. just when i think i've found someone i can connect with, it all goes to shit. i don't have any idea of what i do wrong. oh well.
as far as missing my family, that problem has been semi-resolved. because my dad goes home on weekends, i've begun to as well. i'm a manager at papa john's so i close on saturdays and open on sundays. i get to visit with my family and make money. i also vist with the pseudo-boyfriend. his name is aaron. he is the rockstar that i have a crush on. i say that, because he is the lead singer of a band called daylight blue. listening to his music and watching him perform makes my sad because all he sings about is his failed realationships. we are in love but he is 23 and very unhappy with his life and wants to be happy with himself before he can commit to me, which is why the relationship is pseudo. he says that we are bloody valentines. the other reason we aren't an official couple is that he is terrified of commitment because he's had two instances where he let a girl take advantage of the fact that he would believe anything she said, and do anything for her and both girls broke his heart. he's very cautious with me because he is afraid that i'll do the same thing to him. the only problem with that is that i have been around for a year and proved time and time again that i will do anything for him and that i will always be there for him. he's hurt me because we were boyfriend/girlfriend at one point. i have shown him nothing but unconditional love. i just don't understand how much longer i have to be around for him to come around. he told me that he's not ready to put his heart on the butcher's block yet. the thing about that is that i already have and he's let the blade slip a few times. so these are my thoughts on him but i also have come to the conclusion that i am too young to worry about commitment. i am happy with aaron. i think he is a wonderful person and i enjoy his company and the things he does for me really let me know that he does love me. however, i also, have decided to be cautious. i have decided that if someone comes a long who i enjoy spending time with and who treats me the way that i want to be treated and who wants to be with me, i am not going to pass up the chance to be truly happy. aaron and i have a great relationship. he's my best friend and my lover. but he isn't ready to commit to me and i don't know that he ever will be so i'm keeping an open mind. i'm hoping that what i've said hasn't made me seem naive or selfish. it's just so hard to figure out what i need because if you had asked me a little more than a year ago, i'd tell you that love doesn't exist and that everyone who says they feel it is, either full of shit, or very, very stupid. i was wrong. love is real and valid. it just took the right person to make me realize it. i've babbled long enough. i'm done for today. this should be good for awhile. um. . . yeah.