How To Drive an Ethnically Stereotypical Car in Los Angeles
Sure, your car may represent you as a person, but how does it represent you as a people? Nobody's going to be able to tell what kind of god you pray to at first glance unless they can use the handy psychological tool of stereotyping. Let's save everyone some time and effort, k?
Mexican
Van (to fit your 10 children), 1 slider door. At newest an '85. The van can be brown or tan, but make sure the door is a different, extremely garish color. Garfield suction cup in the back window (the only window you can see out of), blast that mariachi music really loudly, and make sure you haven't gotten a smog check in 10 years.
Armenian
A Mercedes-Bemz. This one's not a joke. You drive an S or E class, your kid drives a C class. Period.
Black
Dunno, just make sure you play your music really loudly and slap a Raiders license plate cover on and you're good to go.
Asian
If you're under 50: I don't car if you graduated first in your class and won the Math Olympics 4 years running, you still need a rice rocket. I don't know much about cars, but make sure your Honda has those crazy wing things, exhaust pipes you could fit a fat baby in, and the engine has to be loud enough to set off the alarms of all the parked cars in K-town when you speed through a yellow light at 95 miles an hour and almost kill me.
If you're over 50: Something bigger than a boat. You shouldn't be able to see over the steering wheel, but the horn should be big and in the center so you can use it often to honk at people, even when they should be honking at you.
Jew
Hassidic: A van just as big as the Mexican's because you have as many kids, but it should be brand new. Also, the head room helps because of that giant hat. 3 bumper stickers: one supporting Israel, one supporting peace, and one supporting peace in Israel. All in Hebrew, of course.
Non-religious: You're a producer/accoutant/lawyer, so a nice flashy sports car. Preferably a convertible, since the wind feels nice across your bald spot.
Caucasian
A Jetta. You're still not sold on the idea of a hybrid, because you're a cautious consumer. The stereo you found in last month's Wired is set to a comfortable decibel level as to not compromise your future hearing, and it's playing Enya, or Death Cab for Cutie, or whatever the crap. I don't fucking know. Grumble bitterly when people cut you off, but don't do anything drastic because "they may have a gun or something, you don't know with these people!"
Sure, your car may represent you as a person, but how does it represent you as a people? Nobody's going to be able to tell what kind of god you pray to at first glance unless they can use the handy psychological tool of stereotyping. Let's save everyone some time and effort, k?
Mexican
Van (to fit your 10 children), 1 slider door. At newest an '85. The van can be brown or tan, but make sure the door is a different, extremely garish color. Garfield suction cup in the back window (the only window you can see out of), blast that mariachi music really loudly, and make sure you haven't gotten a smog check in 10 years.
Armenian
A Mercedes-Bemz. This one's not a joke. You drive an S or E class, your kid drives a C class. Period.
Black
Dunno, just make sure you play your music really loudly and slap a Raiders license plate cover on and you're good to go.
Asian
If you're under 50: I don't car if you graduated first in your class and won the Math Olympics 4 years running, you still need a rice rocket. I don't know much about cars, but make sure your Honda has those crazy wing things, exhaust pipes you could fit a fat baby in, and the engine has to be loud enough to set off the alarms of all the parked cars in K-town when you speed through a yellow light at 95 miles an hour and almost kill me.
If you're over 50: Something bigger than a boat. You shouldn't be able to see over the steering wheel, but the horn should be big and in the center so you can use it often to honk at people, even when they should be honking at you.
Jew
Hassidic: A van just as big as the Mexican's because you have as many kids, but it should be brand new. Also, the head room helps because of that giant hat. 3 bumper stickers: one supporting Israel, one supporting peace, and one supporting peace in Israel. All in Hebrew, of course.
Non-religious: You're a producer/accoutant/lawyer, so a nice flashy sports car. Preferably a convertible, since the wind feels nice across your bald spot.
Caucasian
A Jetta. You're still not sold on the idea of a hybrid, because you're a cautious consumer. The stereo you found in last month's Wired is set to a comfortable decibel level as to not compromise your future hearing, and it's playing Enya, or Death Cab for Cutie, or whatever the crap. I don't fucking know. Grumble bitterly when people cut you off, but don't do anything drastic because "they may have a gun or something, you don't know with these people!"
VIEW 25 of 36 COMMENTS
adjunct:
You made LHB (first link).
adjunct:
At e6 shows aroudn the world, you will forever be known as the girl with the tatoo (and the boobs). Huzzah!