margot_dent

No, I can't.

Sometimes I just wish I would die so I'd never have to make a tough decision. I hate making choices; when I have a hard decision to make (or several) it just makes me freeze up so I do nothing at all, and nothing changes. Nothing really changes because I'm always afraid.

There are too many things I want to do, so I'll never do any of them. I'm always in a stalemate because I get too fucking frightened to make anything happen.

What if? What if I do? What if I don't? What if this happens? What if this doesn't happen? What if I do this so I can never do that again? What if I try this and fail? That's the big one.

And I get frustrated when I try things and don't pick them up right away, I start to feel dumb if I don't master something quickly so I quit. Guitar, clarinet, bass, piano, karate, horseback riding, gymnastics, garageband, tap, jazz/hip hop dance, ballet, portuguese, college, my life is just a long list of things I haven't had the tenacity to finish or finish learning.

What would I do if I could? I'd go to shows and help promote bands and write for zines and help organize truly independent, underground events and somehow become parts of the lives of people who actually do things with the community that I'm always painfully jealous I'm not a part of. And I'd have a radio show and people would listen, and I'd make music on my computer and people would come watch me. And everyone would want to be my friend and wouldnt mind me sleeping from couch to couch because we'd all get up in the morning, have a hard cider, play some board games, go out and promote our cause, get some kickball games going, listen to music, fall asleep happy, and repeat. That's what I'd do if I could.

But no, I can't.

edited to add: yes, i have a boyfriend whom i love deeply, a great set of friends, a job im lucky to have with people that i adore working with. that's all true. i'm probably being very ungrateful by being so restless, nervous, and unhappy, but sometimes you just cant help it.