EDIT: I don't think my whole journal is showing. Or maybe Firefox just hates me... Meh, whatev. Ita all emo crap anyway... Well, mostly.

For those that know me, you know I went through a really shitty period about 6-9 months ago. The breakup, the move, my children moving away, the loss of my dogs, and then the ultimate "this sucks", the death of my father.

I've come a long way. I'd like to think so at least.

But I find that alot of my character defects that I've been working so hard to remove are still there.

Procrastination

Fear

Apathy

Depression knocks at the door quite a bit.

At least I've chosen not to answer. Just pretend like I'm not home and it will go away. You guys, my meds, my program have really brought me a long way. And for that I am ever thankful.

But right now I'm stalled. I should be happy because someone amazing loves me. And I really think I'm beginning to love her. That's right you. You heard me. Not like I haven't already said it, but "Yes, dammit. You're the bee's knees and all that. Happy!!???!! Happy!?!?! Now go poop on your mom's couch. Nerd face..."

Anyway, sorry about the goofy shit there. So, as I was saying, stalled out. My Program is whooping my ass. One of my flaws is procrastination. And its keeping me from moving on. That and fear.

Step Four: A fearless and searching moral inventory

I don't want.

This isn't like tacos at all. Those? Those I want. And maybe a Carne Asada burrito. But to go back and review my past, look at my history of illness and all of its ugliness is more than I want to cope with right now. I've begun my personal inventory and I think I'm doing it the right way. I'm alternating negatives with positives. Good traits, not so good traits. I know I'm strong. I know I'm good. But, Fuck! Do I really have to relive all these emotions and face the sickness that lives in me??

Yes... Yes I do. So intrepid readers... I'm going to be a little despondent for awhile I think. Nothing major, just the weight of what I am coming to lie on my shoulders. Where, really, its been all along. But now Ihave to face the monkey on my back.

I love you all (especially you, ass head) and thank you all for your words and actions in the past and the now.

Christ, someone throw a nickel at me.

[/INJOKE]