Good Lord, my Sponsor is a wise man...

"You should zero contact with her for 90 days and then, maybe you can try again, but its up to you".

So, I didn't contat her, but here's the thing. I've ben thinking about her alot. Like a little bit in sporadic bursts through out every day. And lately its been "You're different now. Can you do this without freaking out? Without obsessing?" And I was telling myself "Yes, I think I can". I was going to email her yesterday but decided to talk to my Sponsor about it when I see him later today. I figured 1) I've waited this long, what's another day and 2) I told myself I would talk to my Sponsor before I did so. But FUCK! All yesterday afternoon and evening, she was in my thoughts. COuldn't get her out and it brought me into a minor depression. Nothing horrible, but it killed my desire to do anything last night. I ended up taking a nap at 4pm that ended with me waking at 9pm... I woke up, still felt the headache and depression, so I read for a bit and went back to bed.

I figure that if I'm thinking "You know, you can eventually win her back" then I'm not ready. Which sucks. I want to know so many things. I want to know we can be friends. I want to know how her MCAT's went. I want to be able to tell her Happy Birthday next month and have her tell me the same a couple weeks later. Dammit. I miss the hell out of her.

But, don't fear, I'm not crying and sobbing and losing my mind like before. The depression is there, yes, but its not mind killing and soul crushing. There is progress.

Regardless, its there. But so are other things. There is some serenity. There is hope. There is the ability to hang out with other people and forget what I've been through. There is a growing ability to do things by myself.

There is hope.

In other news, I cleaned my gun yesterday and hopefully next weekend I can get out to a range and put some rounds through it. I'd love to take it tomorrow when I go to shoot for the ship, but there's a rule against bringing personal weapons onto base. So much for that...

And I've been playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas again. Started over the other day and I'm sloly getting farther than I ever did before. Which isn't very far I think I may drag out Gran Turismo 4 again as well.