Another year has passed, life however never goes as planned it seems.
I am lucky to have the greatest job in the world, I get to sail around it, while cooking tasty, cruelty free food, with amazing humans, saving our oceans from other humans.
It wasn’t always as such. Sure, I had a great career, a successful one, but I have nothing to show for it, my fiscal irresponsibility means I am terrible with money, having wasted every penny I had earned over my career, I was bitterly alone, forcing people away by the mere fact I was horrible, short tempered and angry.
One day though, I made up my mind to be a better person, it started with looking at the person I was, and deciding I was a terrible human. I needed to make changes, and quickly, for my own safety as well as those around me. I stopped drinking, I stopped smoking, and I stopped taking drugs. A few years later I took another look, and while I was marginally better, I still had a way to go.
I opened my eyes to the horrors around us, and decided I was going to fight. And fight I have, mostly with the demons inside my own head, but also the demons that keep trying to tear our planet apart.
I’m still short tempered, probably angrier, but I’m trying to channel this towards achieving some good. My nature is still self-destructive, I have the innate ability to sabotage even my best intentions, but I’m trying, I really am, to be the person that others see.
I am my own worst enemy it seems, and loneliness follows me even when I’m surrounded by people.
My relationship, if you can call it that is on the ropes, communication is non-existent and as much as I want to, I don’t think my heart can take much more.
It’s at times like this where my resolve is tested, my mind is clamouring for an escape, a way to block out the world.
I just could not make her happy, at least not in the way she wanted, and not as quickly as she wanted. I’m not saying I did not want these things she wants, I do, or at least I did, just that I am currently and have not in the past been in the position or frame of mind to do so. I have failed her, I have failed myself.
So, as I look forward to 2018, I can just look back at the past, mistakes made, small victories earned, lessons learned, battered, bloodied and bruised. I must stay positive, I must stay strong.