Hi SGLand,
I don't normally do a whole lot of super personal blogs...but this week's blog topic from @rambo and @missy was asking the question "What inspired you to be a Suicide Girl?". I've loved reading all the girls responses...some are short and sweet, some revolve around relationships, and some have a wonderful long back story from childhood.
My story begins 3 years ago. I was living in a small apartment with my boyfriend, hitting hard times and what I thought was the end of my life. I was having horrible pains in my body....indescribable pains to say the least. I went to the doctor and after many many tests I ended up getting diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). If you don't know what this disease is, it's an auto immune disease in which my basically kills all my nerves slowly and painfully. It's usually one sided...in my case...the left side. You get horrible sharp, electrocuting pains in your limbs. The best way I've found to describe it is like when your foot falls asleep and you get those nasty pins and needles...but times that by about 50. As if someone is taking a tazer and just electrocuting you all day. Eventually you lose movement in your limbs, which in turn leads to being in a wheelchair and as it progresses, your body eventually just shuts down. For some people it takes 30 years before they are fully immobile....others only 10. It really is person by person.
Regardless, after the diagnoses, I was in denial. My brain wouldn't turn off "How would I be able to draw or paint again?" "What about swinging my niece in her swing" "What about cooking dinner for my boyfriend?" All the things you take for granted in life just hit me all at once....I will sometime in my life...NEVER be able to do those things again. I began having horrible anxiety and panic attacks. I really did think my life was over.
The worse fact is that the disease doesn't show, other than on the days where I literally can't move a limb. You don't look feverish or sick like you do with the flu, cancer, or any other diseases. The constant comments from others "Oh, well, you look fine." Rings in my ears on a day to day basis. It gets very frustrating. Just because I "look" fine...doesn't mean I'm not suffering on the inside. I'm very good at hiding my pain. I just want people to understand. I never want sympathy or the "I'm sorry". Just understanding of what it does to me.
It took me a long time to finally just tell myself "Ya know, this is who I am and I need to make the best of it". It was actually @bixton , whom I'm close with, who encouraged me to join here. She has spent hours listening to me, being there for me, giving me alternatives in medication for pain (since I don't have insurance and have been denied by nearly everyone). Without her, I honestly don't know if I'd still be here. She told me what a great community SG was. I always followed it but never really knew how good the community was. I just thought it was for oogling lovely naked women...and of course, that IS a plus but the community is the sole reason for me being here and being a part of it. She told me that being an SG has made her more confident and has helped her empower herself as a person. I needed that. I needed to feel good about myself and accomplish something that I've wanted to for so long. Becoming an SG has always been in my mind but I always told myself I wasn't good enough to do it. And of course after being diagnosed with an incurable disease, I never thought I could do it.
But here I am...doing it. I've never felt better about myself. I feel comfortable being who I am. I NEVER tell anyone about my medical issues. I feel as though I'll be judged and what business is of theres? But doing that makes me feel alone and lost. SG has made me feel accepted. I've met people I would've never met like @empress and @pax_ who have never once judged me for being myself.
I still have my days where I can't get out of bed because of MS...but those days I used to hate, now I can handle because I can grab my phone and chat with some awesome people. I can read silly comments and posts from others that make me smile.
Thank you SG for literally helping through the hardest time in my life and allowing me to become part of something so awesome. And of course, boobs and butts are always nice :)
xoxo
Mara
Why did you join SG?