manichat

I hate feeling overwhelmed....just really overwhelmed by all of it, everything - my emotions, my thoughts, my actions. I just hide. I am a pleaser when it comes to a few folks but most of the time I am a 'OK' person.

I don't really try to go out of my way to make friends [however I use to and I think I need to do this again~just more in balance], I do not jump over leaps and bounds 'in hopes of them liking me.' I am more of a loner.

But as situations are for the time being......I have to prove somethings to others as well as to myself in retrospect....I am getting overwhelmed.

When I get to this point.....I do not sleep, I do not eat. Instead I become this focused work horse that has the blinders on and can only see the sugar cube in front of them. I become bug eyed, crinkles on the forehead and right brow cocked. If a question is asked during my focus......my actions are of one who is impatient or bothered. I place my hands over my eyes, sigh heavily and start to think of the answer to the question.....and it is hard.

My head works like an egg cart......or a calculator....no egg cart. If I focus on one thing it is like me going to the fridge (that is of course full of nothing but eggs and egg carts), pulling out the crate labeled 'this is what you are to focus on now'. So one I have finished even one of my eggs....as it leaves the crate.....I immediately fill it with a new egg. One out ...one in. I finish one project...I am on to the next.

Now if you ask me a totally off subject question while I am stressed.......and if you are one of those persons I am trying to please...then I am screwed - cuz - I run over quickly to the frigde only to remember that I have to replace the egg cart if I pull one out to answer the question that is now of my upmost importance....so I rush back grab the cart....but one egg slips out....so I rush over grab the towels to clean it up and quickly think of something else that I can fill it with......finally back to the fridge switch carts ...dart back to the person with the 'egswers' only to slip and fall on the before egg mess (still kinda wet cuz I was not paying attention while I was cleaning it....was thinking about filling the cart again with a new egg) - luckily - only half spilled - SHIT 6 eggs - that is towels, 409, walking, placing the cart down securely, apologizing, and throwing away the shells. BOOM - full egg cart again.

Now wait what was the question again? What do you mean nevermind????? No wait - I have to answer the question...you are the person I am trying to please today...I have too. Let me just go and get the right egg cart...hold on........[slip.crash] 'FUCK' - 4 eggs - good only four this time.'

I hate my head sometimes......