Today has so far been a slightly large wake up call for me. One if in my shoes could call this a total realization of failure. Complete failure - in professional, personal, mental, physical - the works. I won't bore you with the details but my life has undergone the most drastic changes that I never thought in a second would have happened - I mean one day all I saw was my normality, my future, 15 (give or take for I really don't think I was serious about life between the ages of 12-16) years in the making. I had been up then down the road only to revive myself into what I knew I could be. It took basically and more than like really only about 8-15 minutes unknowingly to create the prelude to my demise. But I could never ever in a fraction of a moment imagine my life today without it. To sit here and type even that statement turns my stomach.
Even knowing this little realization today - I still stubbornly do not think that I have failed. I don't. Is it that I just don't or won't allow myself to admit the failure? I am true enough to myself and to others to admit my faults or to make my wrong right. Some have difficulty admitting, even in small stupid little debates like over football and the best running backs, when they are just plain out wrong. Not over their opinions but over factual stats. I have no problem admitting I am wrong, you are right, my bad, appreciate the new aquired knowledge for the noggin really. My pride maybe bruise a bit but fuck pride. My pride is basically a gloating of self righteousness and wanting to rub it in the faces of others and I am not that shallow. Just my opinion. Being proud for others is different for that is showing admiration or acknowledgement of them. Respect.
Though today has been rough on me - and I sit here and question myself on the true aspects of what has happened in the last couple of years - I loathe the fact that it has happened. I depise the feelings it has created in myself and in those most respected, loved and cherished in my life. I find revolting the actions and memories which are now left scarred.
.....but it had to happen in order for me to live - to grow - to learn - it's life, not death. Therefore.... I have not failed.
just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming........
Man I need a hug.....FRED!..fuck.
Even knowing this little realization today - I still stubbornly do not think that I have failed. I don't. Is it that I just don't or won't allow myself to admit the failure? I am true enough to myself and to others to admit my faults or to make my wrong right. Some have difficulty admitting, even in small stupid little debates like over football and the best running backs, when they are just plain out wrong. Not over their opinions but over factual stats. I have no problem admitting I am wrong, you are right, my bad, appreciate the new aquired knowledge for the noggin really. My pride maybe bruise a bit but fuck pride. My pride is basically a gloating of self righteousness and wanting to rub it in the faces of others and I am not that shallow. Just my opinion. Being proud for others is different for that is showing admiration or acknowledgement of them. Respect.
Though today has been rough on me - and I sit here and question myself on the true aspects of what has happened in the last couple of years - I loathe the fact that it has happened. I depise the feelings it has created in myself and in those most respected, loved and cherished in my life. I find revolting the actions and memories which are now left scarred.
.....but it had to happen in order for me to live - to grow - to learn - it's life, not death. Therefore.... I have not failed.
just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming........
Man I need a hug.....FRED!..fuck.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
[Edited on Sep 19, 2004 9:53PM]
I'm am not usually very funny, maybe funny looking, but I think that that is where I must draw the line.
I won't be on SG for much longer, I think my account expires August 6th, if you want to chat on AIM or something, you can e-mail me through my profile and I will send you my current screen name. (They change depending on whatever personality has taken hold.)