mandarin

I feel good and bad. I haven't been nice to some people lately. I haven't been honest or expressive with people when I should be, like I should be. I don't know what has been wrong with me, besides just general insanity I guess.

I've been doing so many things that are different for me lately, and different in a good way, but then I've been doing other things, like being too sarcastic or not wanting to be open and myself with people for fear of their hurting me. I've been really jaded and callous and cavalier with people, men especially. I let myself think to myself once "oh I like him" and then, when that moment is done, I stop. I keep acting the part sort of, in a disinterested way, but it already is gone for me, with everyone.

I have just been in a bad place with myself lately. I feel bad about what I'm doing (professionally) and what I'm putting into my body (food and alcohol-wise) and about what I look like (chubby and bald) and I have to get out of this place or it will take over and I will be this bitter hateful person for my entire life.

I am apathetic and it needs to stop. There are better days ahead.