i've decided that the Jake is probably the first person i'm compatable with in most aspects of our lives, lifestyles, and opinions.
i thought for a long time that my ex was the best i was gonna get, because he accepted my "weirdness". those of you that know me or have talked to me for a bit understand what i mean.
those that don't, i'll just say i'm paranoid, i think to much, i'm picky, and sometimes my words don't come out right.
but that acceptance i got from my ex was only there because along the way he realized that to keep his control over me, he'd have to expect and tolerate my weird traits and actions. he never truly accepted me, and would sometimes even play off my reactions in mean ways. outside of that, he and i differed in so many ways.
with all of the friendships i've had, past and present i can break them up into about 3 categories(i'm not counting the friends i had sex with, because that would add sub groups, and i don't feellike reviewing EVERY relationship):
1)people who really wanted to know me, they usually idolize me in some way, or treat me as if i'm better than i am
2)people who want me around, so they can treat me like shit to make themselves feel better
3)people i see briefly, usually aquaintances i'll drink or party with, and on occasion have a good conversation with
that being said, i never have real friends. and i especially never have good friends. sure i've had some people along the way who were good people that did good things for me, and that i did good things for, but not good friends(at least my definition of the word 'friend').
a lot of it i guess is my own doing, altho i did have certain negative people through out my life affect me in ways that reduce the chances of having good friends (parents, ex-b/f). a lot of the time i don't want to be close to people. i don't know if its because most people suck in some way or if i've got issues not allowing me to get close with people, or maybe it's both.
the thing is, i haven't met hardly anyone i want to put the effort into. i don't mean that all the people i've known and met were bad people, but for the most part i just never have a connection with anyone. a lot of that is because i don't operate like regular people do, and it's hard to explain what i mean by that. i don't feel as if i'm naive, or inexperienced, so i can't be socially awkward at this point in my life; but i don't hate everyone so i can't just be anti-social either. i don't like to be alone, but what's the point if things aren't gonna be on that deeper level? if i speak and i'm not heard or misheard? if others speak and i don't listen or understand?
with Jake, despite our minor differences, i feel like i can be weird around him, talk to him about things, and even if he doesn't totally get it, i don't worry about seeming too wierd or annoying him and he never puts me down. i have someone i want to tell all the little stupid things to. and he's probably one of the only people who i feel like i wanna know what little stupid things he has to say are, and i think it's cute when he acts weird. i don't know what it is exactly, because this doesn't happen all that often for me. most people usually bother me, or i bother them. with him things are fine.
chances are some people who read this will distort what i've said and make it personal even tho this isn't personally directed at anyone. and i guess i can't control that, but i really don't like it. i hate being misunderstood. but i guess if someones gonna get mad or take offense by my honesty that's better than me lying so everyone is happy.
i thought for a long time that my ex was the best i was gonna get, because he accepted my "weirdness". those of you that know me or have talked to me for a bit understand what i mean.
those that don't, i'll just say i'm paranoid, i think to much, i'm picky, and sometimes my words don't come out right.
but that acceptance i got from my ex was only there because along the way he realized that to keep his control over me, he'd have to expect and tolerate my weird traits and actions. he never truly accepted me, and would sometimes even play off my reactions in mean ways. outside of that, he and i differed in so many ways.
with all of the friendships i've had, past and present i can break them up into about 3 categories(i'm not counting the friends i had sex with, because that would add sub groups, and i don't feellike reviewing EVERY relationship):
1)people who really wanted to know me, they usually idolize me in some way, or treat me as if i'm better than i am
2)people who want me around, so they can treat me like shit to make themselves feel better
3)people i see briefly, usually aquaintances i'll drink or party with, and on occasion have a good conversation with
that being said, i never have real friends. and i especially never have good friends. sure i've had some people along the way who were good people that did good things for me, and that i did good things for, but not good friends(at least my definition of the word 'friend').
a lot of it i guess is my own doing, altho i did have certain negative people through out my life affect me in ways that reduce the chances of having good friends (parents, ex-b/f). a lot of the time i don't want to be close to people. i don't know if its because most people suck in some way or if i've got issues not allowing me to get close with people, or maybe it's both.
the thing is, i haven't met hardly anyone i want to put the effort into. i don't mean that all the people i've known and met were bad people, but for the most part i just never have a connection with anyone. a lot of that is because i don't operate like regular people do, and it's hard to explain what i mean by that. i don't feel as if i'm naive, or inexperienced, so i can't be socially awkward at this point in my life; but i don't hate everyone so i can't just be anti-social either. i don't like to be alone, but what's the point if things aren't gonna be on that deeper level? if i speak and i'm not heard or misheard? if others speak and i don't listen or understand?
with Jake, despite our minor differences, i feel like i can be weird around him, talk to him about things, and even if he doesn't totally get it, i don't worry about seeming too wierd or annoying him and he never puts me down. i have someone i want to tell all the little stupid things to. and he's probably one of the only people who i feel like i wanna know what little stupid things he has to say are, and i think it's cute when he acts weird. i don't know what it is exactly, because this doesn't happen all that often for me. most people usually bother me, or i bother them. with him things are fine.
chances are some people who read this will distort what i've said and make it personal even tho this isn't personally directed at anyone. and i guess i can't control that, but i really don't like it. i hate being misunderstood. but i guess if someones gonna get mad or take offense by my honesty that's better than me lying so everyone is happy.
swoodypantz:
I think it's great you have found someone like Jake......to be able to truly be yourself and not be judged for it is a beauteous thing indeed. I think it takes most people a loooong time to really find people they truly click with. the good news is that the previous ones teach you what you DON'T WANT, which is just as important to learn as what you DO want. I don't even know you that well, M, but from your writing, and the brief times I've met you, I can tell you are a person who experiences and feels things deeply, and I am glad you are with someone you appreciates you! 