I slowly feel like I'm losing it.
I can update here, no one really reads it anyway
I'm down to the smallest size I've been in my teen to adult life. For those of you keeping track, I was 220lbs at my highest weight. I'm so close to half of that now I can taste it. But the closer and closer I get the more unhappy I am with myself. My coworkers (and Rich, hah) call me Chicken Legs. I wasn't blessed with a "womanly" figure. I have no boobs or hips to speak of, nor a waist for that matter. I still have lots of chub that I would love to see melt away. Sometimes I just want to see my bones, make sure they're really there.
I've become more and more suicidal again. It's not just the lack of sun, I'm not really sure what it is. I feel so lost, so out of control. And I just keep trying and trying to keep my head above water. I'm doing so much and it feels like no one can see. I spend my nights mostly awake. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to try to kill myself again. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I wouldn't really mind being in a car accident, something like that. I'm just so tired. I want to give up.
I can't really talk to Rich about this. He tries so hard and he already does so much for me. I can't take advantage of him. I need to be the strong one here and pull myself out of this. I need to stop whining. I have nothing to whine about. I need to stop being to selfish, stop being such an ugly human being. It's all my own fault anyway. No one can make us feel something we didn't want to feel, right? So this is my mess. I don't need to get him involved.
He knows I've been cutting again. I'm such a failure.
I can update here, no one really reads it anyway
I'm down to the smallest size I've been in my teen to adult life. For those of you keeping track, I was 220lbs at my highest weight. I'm so close to half of that now I can taste it. But the closer and closer I get the more unhappy I am with myself. My coworkers (and Rich, hah) call me Chicken Legs. I wasn't blessed with a "womanly" figure. I have no boobs or hips to speak of, nor a waist for that matter. I still have lots of chub that I would love to see melt away. Sometimes I just want to see my bones, make sure they're really there.
I've become more and more suicidal again. It's not just the lack of sun, I'm not really sure what it is. I feel so lost, so out of control. And I just keep trying and trying to keep my head above water. I'm doing so much and it feels like no one can see. I spend my nights mostly awake. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to try to kill myself again. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I wouldn't really mind being in a car accident, something like that. I'm just so tired. I want to give up.
I can't really talk to Rich about this. He tries so hard and he already does so much for me. I can't take advantage of him. I need to be the strong one here and pull myself out of this. I need to stop whining. I have nothing to whine about. I need to stop being to selfish, stop being such an ugly human being. It's all my own fault anyway. No one can make us feel something we didn't want to feel, right? So this is my mess. I don't need to get him involved.
He knows I've been cutting again. I'm such a failure.