malloryknoxx

My thoughts today thus far have been trolling around the whole concept of happiness.

This may come as a terrible shock, I realize......
....but a lot of us SG-ers aren't exactly on a first name basis with Happiness.


There are, of course, some who are. And that rocks.

But I know I have certainly never been *actually* happy....

That is...not until today

I had something along the lines of an epiphany last night.
After years and years of trying to fiure out what the HELL my problem is......therapists...shrinks........prescription med....support groups (K...eww...lol)....numerous froms of self-medication...
Digging through layers and layers of shit...

It finally came to me.
I was, quite simply and quite literally, afraid to be happy.

The last time I was free of care and happily rolling along being silly was when I was a little kid.
Then I had the bad luck to be exposed to an individual who was twisted and miserable - and he went to a great deal of effort to destroy anything that looked like happiness in the people around him.
Particularly small children.

So later in life when I decided that I wanted to get past what this guy did - I was told my several "professionals" and others who claimed knowledge of the subject matter that I would need to focus on the actual events - the things he did and the resulting....ummm....let's call them malfunctions...in my psychology.

And that helped - at least to a degree.

I made some progress and moved on from a great deal of it...and yet I was, after YEARS of "working on it"....STILL incapable of being happy.

And then I remembered. The physical repercussions and the relationship problems weren't the issue anymore.
What WAS the issue, it seems.....was the fact that I had yet to shake that voice.
That voice I heard when I was a little kid, coming from a very unhappy and twisted dude - the voice that frequently demanded to know:

"What the hell are YOU smiling about??"

I had learned early on that being happy would get me hurt. Anytime I felt anything that felt like levity, this big, dark, nasty
THING
would quickly bring it to a screeching halt.

So now....all that is left is to remember.
It's ok. I'm not going to be punished for being happy.
Not anymore.

I guess the point of this rather emotionally weighty journal entry is this - It IS possible to "figure it out". It IS within the realm of reality to finally unearth the demons, expose them to the light......
.....and watch them burn.

It CAN be done.
Just don't give up and decide that "this is as good as it will get so I'm going to stop trying."

Never, EVER do that.