malloryknoxx

There used to be this...being...that lived inside me.
His name was Rage.
He hardened my eyes and set my jaw.
He lurked - ever ready to lunge.
He was my defender and my protector
His presence lent me an inhuman strength - I could tear things apart and pick things up that I shouldn't have been able to.
He stood guard at The Gate - the only entrance to the Wall I had built to keep myself safe.
Rage was, as the marines say, Semper Fi.

The problem was - he was feeding off my insides.
Eating away at my gut like a parasite.
He was destroying my relationships
And hurting my loved ones

So eventually, I had to cut him loose.
I thanked him for his service
and sent him on his way.

I'm calmer now.
My eyes have softened
And my jaw has relaxed
My teeth no longer grind.

But sometimes -
I miss Him.
I miss that *edge* he gave me
Sometimes, when I'm feeling lost, afraid, or alone -
I wish He was still here.

And so I sigh and sit back
And hope that somehow
I will feel real strength,
and learn how to just be me.

When you spend most of your life as a very angry person - it sometimes feels strange....well...to NOT be anymore. It's weird to be learning how to react to things when you are already all grown up.