malina

I'm selfish. But, what's the point of life if you don't do whatever you can to make yourself happy? Cetainly not being happy just knowing that you may have brought a smile to another's face...? Sorry, that will never be enough for me. I give, give, give and never really made much effortto do things simply because I WANT TO. Well, I'm through with that... Not saying that I don't care about others, because I do. Just that I'm going to start trying to put myself and my wants, needs and desires first rather that constantly trying to do whatever will make everyone else happy, because I have found that living like that I will never be able to REALLY be happy. For a long time I thought that being married and having a family and stability and everything that I never had as a child would make me happy, but, maybe not. No matter how happy I seem to be at one point I constantly crave change, like I thrive on instability. I suppose its like Nicholas always used to tell me, "we are creatures of our environment." or something to that effect, I can't remember if that was the EXACT wording, but suffice it to say, we are what we are made to be. Sure, people change, and adapt, etc etc... but, when it comes down to it, no matter how objectively you try to view your life and how different you try to make yourself, you are still the person you always have been. I think I am finally beginning to see myself. I don't want to be alone, but I can't continue with how things are.... And the desire/need for change is almost all consuming and greater than to not be alone. I am learning to be happy with the thought that one day, he will be ready for what I want to share with him. So, I won't dwell on the waiting part. I'll just use this time to fulfill my dreams/wants/desires and hope that he does the same.

There is a LOT more to this, and I will finish it later.


I need to get away from here. I was considering moving to St. Augustine, solely for the fact of job security (I have a gauranteed job there), but, I am tired of being here, in this state. Growing up, we never lived in one place for pretty much longer than 6 months at a time, so I constantly have this urge to move after being in one place for awhile. I do want to settle down somewhere, one day, just not yet. I've been considering maybe spending six months or so in Atlanta, if I can get over the fact that I will actually have to make the effort to find a decent paying job within two weeks of being there. I'd like to spend some time in northern/central CA, not right now, but, in the future. I currently don't want to stray to far from the east coast. I guess I should make up my mind on what I am going to do soon, seeing as I intend on being where ever in mid-late August. Its just the thought of, "what if I can't find a job soon enough?" that kind of scares me.