42... had to skip 43 today.. a router was down somewhere 
-------------------
you're asking me all these questions.
questions i dont know the answers to.
but who could really answer that?
why did i talk to you
you always bring up these old feelings.
feelings that i fought so hard to forget.
what do you expect from me?
i expect you to disappear again.
once again i'll be the one who ends up hurt.
ive become attached.
attached to something that has no chance.
chances are you are not thinking like me.
so here i am.
im here writing poems.
poems about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you know
I wanted to save you
wanted to hold you,
and tell you "forever"
I could have been
your greatest mistake,
the hand that would break
you free from yourself.
But you'll stay
on that high horse
you pretend is your pride.
And I'll walk away from you
and uncover the truth
from the shadows
'Cause i wish i could save you
and i wish I could hold you,
just so i could tell you
i could have been yours,
your greatest mistake.
The hand that would break
you free from yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------
Admit it, all you ever wanted was a clone
Someone who loved you
Someone who would make sure
You were never left alone
Someone who saw things
From your point of view
Someone who could handle
All the bullshit
You put them through
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is where I found you
flesh, blood and shit.
Loitering on your soapbox.
Crying those tears all fucking night.
I will miss you,
and the strength you didn't have.
The voice I never heard.
You stood for nothing.
Eager to identify
the reasons for your
inner deprecation.
The reasons for your life.
I will miss you
and the strength you didn't have.
the voice I never heard.
You stood for nothing.
Yet, You still stood.
--------------------------------------------------
I'm giving it all, I'm down on my knees
for a taste of your glory
and the heat of your breath on my neck
dance with my heart
and play with my hair
with a tongue full of razors
thoughts in the shape of a noose
you're still taking me down
and I'm falling hard
for a taste of sweet precious nothing
addictive like heroin
an opiate heaven
betraying me. silent.
A sweet reverie.
------------------------------------------------------
That's one hell of a way to end it
Sorry, I never knew.
What you thought was never true.
I did mean it every time I said it.
I loved you.
The whole time I thought the same of you.
I'm sorry.
We were both so confused.
I just want to let you know,
Whether you believed it a lie or true.
I did try to make it work.
I never did anything to purposely hurt you.
I hope the best for you,
That all your dreams come true.
Just thought I'd tell you
So you wouldn't make the mistake
Of thinking I never meant it,
When I said I loved you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I am, naked.
Showing you all of my flaws
my soul is bared.
A shiver goes up my spine,
I know you're waiting for me to continue
You sit there waiting
listening to me breathe
hoping for eternity.
I close my eyes and finally breathe.
I know your tears are starting to fall
and I silently wipe mine away
I hear you catch your breathe
and I speak quickly
Shh, just listen.
And there we sat,
our hearts melting into each other
As I told you
everything that I could think of
There's no love here for us
We'll never be happy
My heart's not broken anymore
Nor is my soul dead.
I don't want you anymore
I don't NEED you anymore.
I sat there deep in thought for a moment
then I told I do still love you
but we won't be together
ever
Shh, just listen.
I'm not finished.
Love me for my honesty
Love me for eternity.
Love me to hate me.
Shh, just listen.
And there we sat on the phone.
Melting.
Listening.
And I continued to say the truth.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I thought there was something beautiful
in his voice
when he said he still loved me
The way the words rolled off his tongue
and lingered on his lips;
affirmations of the truth
to burn and scorn me later.
It is emblazoned in my mind
and the beauty in his trembling voice
was the vibration of his secret life.
I'm going to leave now
thinking about his voice
How beautiful he sounded
when he said he'd always love me
------------------------------------------------------------------------
your imperfections rub off on every corner
every last bit of everything you complain about
you hate
you never want to be
well, that's what you are
covering yourself in some type of mask
somedays its blue and somedays its red
portray yourself as this or that
prick every last part of my heart
as you cut open your own
what if i leave you bleeding in your own pity
listen carefully sweetheart,
don't worry I already know
Its all been sugar coated
quit pressing for more
I'm sitting perfectly still acting perfectly hopeless
if you are watching so carefully
then.. how come you don't see the obvious
dig too deep yourself into a hole
pathetic and dreaming yourself into a hole
dropping your life for someone to pick up
swerving into dark paths
too ignorant to look ahead just look back
your empty threats and horrid stories
strike me as endearing
shh.... for once calm yourself
before something else sliences you
into another round of your self-pity
------------------------------------------------------------------
Couldnt you love me?
I asked him One day.
He didnt say anything for A very long time.
I could hear his smile as he asked
"What do you mean by that?"
Nothing I said.
I then hung up and cried myself to sleep
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never hurt myself to die. I hurt myself to see if I am really alive..
Such a sad tragedy this all is...
Bad dreams end once you wake up. I guess the real thought is, am I awake? Or still dreaming? Am I dreaming all of this? Or, am I watching someone else's nightmare..?
I think I know.
I think I don't know.
I think I know that I don't know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rather vague.
Which, it seems so logical.
But perhaps it isn't.
That's my issue with deception or self-delusion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
And i will always remember the words that you said
The way you sat there to try and fill my pretty head
Now I dont want to look back and see you cry
Dont want to remember why i had to say goodbye
Cause if I took one step back, I would get lost in your smile
I would force myself to sit and reminice for a while
I would find myself in your stare that was used to be so green
Hurting so much for you to hear just for once everything i mean.
its not that you hurt me
just that you pretended to care
and now you cant see me
cause i cant bring myself to be there
and all i wanted was to grip that pride
to tear it away just to see what i could find
you really cant hurt me
its so hard to stare through
it really didnt free me
all the words in the end that ended up untrue
And i still have all the voicemails, they were on speed dial
but now they are locked up waiting to go one trial
just for once when i could test your word against mine
all the nights that you held me and told me we would be fine.
But it never seems to go the way that little romances may plan.
it never seemed so nice when everything hit the fan.
when emotions ran crazy and everything was all about impulse
Now i sit here at night in my little dark house
its not that you hurt me
just that you pretended to care
and now you cant see me
cause i cant bring myself to be there
and all i wanted was to grip that pride
to tear it away just to see what i could find
you really cant hurt me
its so hard to stare through
it really didnt free me
all the words in the end that ended up untrue
Remembering your eyes and how i thought they would hold true
Rushing into everything at once and never really finding you
I cant take back the words that were uttered in lovely nights
When bodies moved as they did never putting up real fights
I would wake up in the morning thinking that i had it all
Hoping that deep down inside i could never have this downfall
Yours eyes on that night they have been burnt down so deep
Plainly lost in confusion dont know what you should keep
One day you might have the whole world and look back on me
And you will finally find what I was trying to make you see
that
maybe you hurt me
maybe you tried your best to care
maybe youll get a glimpse of me
maybe when i am really not there
maybe i will have my peices of pride
maybe not all my find
cause
maybe you could hurt me
maybe if you stared through
maybe you could free me
maybe then your words would be true
------------------------------------------------------------------------
and my demons
remind me of a story
that i used to tell
one of loss
friendship
romance
hate
anger
jealousy
depression
betrayel
loneliness
distance
hopeless romanticism
but not a love story
you were right
i was better than you
and now i can see it too
my dreams are too obscure
for even me to see
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
and you summed it all up this time
left your lasting impression
and i cant help
but think
youve
done it all
for me..
do you really love me
the way
the sky loves
the stars
do you love
me the
way
bees
love
the roses
your photographs the fix
do you understand
what im asking you
your name never
comes up anymore
guess
your old news
and ive missed
my calculations
counted
up instead
of down
forgot you werent
around
to teach me
my next lesson
close your mouth
safety pins
and hope nothing gets
in
to cause
a major infection
because you know what they say
words
are just
an instrument
to get inside
our heads
----------------------------------------------------------
i knew
i loved you
but right when
i thought
everything was okay
that we'd make it through
this time
it all came
crashing down
you fucked up
not me
I was the loyal one
you.
you.
you.
it was all
you.
if you would've
never done this
to me
then you would'nt
have to blame
anyone
and everything
would be just fine
but
its not
and
i'm not
i'm threw with you
no more
chances
im done.
</3
--------------------------------
jaded
is what you are
its what you'll always be
you never even noticed me
sheltered
is what you wish i was
its what you raised me to be
but i want nothing to do with your negativity
intoxicated
its what i am
by the intake or inhale
memories impaled
cut the pain in half
slash away the thoughts
cover up the bruises
ignore the pain
hold in the silent tears
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you want me to do?
Should I cut my heart out?
I have nothing else to give
Every thing else has been taken away
I dont care any more
I cant take the pain
I hate you all for what youve done to me
Cant you just pretend to love me?
Tell me what I want to hear
I dont care
You dont want me
No one ever wants me
Not for long
Im only good while its a game
Shame I never saw it that way
But thats all i am wanted for
So it doesnt last long
And you can stop when you get sick of it
Why do you do this to me?
Im sick of feeling like this.
Im sick of being caught in this endless cycle
Am I really that bad
That you all cant stand being with me
For any length of time?
It hurts so very much
Knowing that it was all
A lie
A game
Its real for me
Its my life youre playing with
Dont you understand that?
Should I cut my heart out
And give it to you?
Would that make it real?
But real isnt what you want
It never was
I was just convenient
And I hate you for it
I wish I could walk away
Speak to me tomorrow
And Ill love you again.
So you can play your games
It doesnt matter
A week from now Ill hate you again
For this hopeless feeling
Of being used and unloved.
Unwanted.
One day youll leave me
Someone else will come
And pick up where you left off.
Such is the story of my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were a few words I wanted to say
That you wouldnt have heard anyway
Something in your eyes told me to let you go
Something in my heart told me not to
I always thought that if I got my heart broken,
I could put it back together again.
I overlooked the fact that you still
have some of the pieces
Can I have them back?
I wanted to keep you forever
Just never let you go
Whispered sentiments sting my eyes
As I pry my soul away from you
Without you I feel alone
And empty
like nothing can ever make me happy again
I wished upon a star for you
And now youre going back to them
Why cant you stay here with me?
You were mine for a little while
We could just stay this way
But instead
I hear your whispered words of goodbye
Over the gentle breeze
Like fading notes from a piano
They float over and away until theyre gone
Hence, you are the Goodbye Song
--------------
sorry guys.. I AM REALLY happy with the wedding FINALLY coming and everything else.. I was just... reminiscing.
came across some of that old stuff, and wanted to share it. for once, looking at it has not caouse me to cry my eyes out, vomit, and spend weeks cut off from every one and everything. I am so happy that I have finally came to this point in my lfie. its a rather liberating feeling. I can finally say, "yes, I have moved on."
-------------------
you're asking me all these questions.
questions i dont know the answers to.
but who could really answer that?
why did i talk to you
you always bring up these old feelings.
feelings that i fought so hard to forget.
what do you expect from me?
i expect you to disappear again.
once again i'll be the one who ends up hurt.
ive become attached.
attached to something that has no chance.
chances are you are not thinking like me.
so here i am.
im here writing poems.
poems about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you know
I wanted to save you
wanted to hold you,
and tell you "forever"
I could have been
your greatest mistake,
the hand that would break
you free from yourself.
But you'll stay
on that high horse
you pretend is your pride.
And I'll walk away from you
and uncover the truth
from the shadows
'Cause i wish i could save you
and i wish I could hold you,
just so i could tell you
i could have been yours,
your greatest mistake.
The hand that would break
you free from yourself.
-----------------------------------------------------
Admit it, all you ever wanted was a clone
Someone who loved you
Someone who would make sure
You were never left alone
Someone who saw things
From your point of view
Someone who could handle
All the bullshit
You put them through
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is where I found you
flesh, blood and shit.
Loitering on your soapbox.
Crying those tears all fucking night.
I will miss you,
and the strength you didn't have.
The voice I never heard.
You stood for nothing.
Eager to identify
the reasons for your
inner deprecation.
The reasons for your life.
I will miss you
and the strength you didn't have.
the voice I never heard.
You stood for nothing.
Yet, You still stood.
--------------------------------------------------
I'm giving it all, I'm down on my knees
for a taste of your glory
and the heat of your breath on my neck
dance with my heart
and play with my hair
with a tongue full of razors
thoughts in the shape of a noose
you're still taking me down
and I'm falling hard
for a taste of sweet precious nothing
addictive like heroin
an opiate heaven
betraying me. silent.
A sweet reverie.
------------------------------------------------------
That's one hell of a way to end it
Sorry, I never knew.
What you thought was never true.
I did mean it every time I said it.
I loved you.
The whole time I thought the same of you.
I'm sorry.
We were both so confused.
I just want to let you know,
Whether you believed it a lie or true.
I did try to make it work.
I never did anything to purposely hurt you.
I hope the best for you,
That all your dreams come true.
Just thought I'd tell you
So you wouldn't make the mistake
Of thinking I never meant it,
When I said I loved you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I am, naked.
Showing you all of my flaws
my soul is bared.
A shiver goes up my spine,
I know you're waiting for me to continue
You sit there waiting
listening to me breathe
hoping for eternity.
I close my eyes and finally breathe.
I know your tears are starting to fall
and I silently wipe mine away
I hear you catch your breathe
and I speak quickly
Shh, just listen.
And there we sat,
our hearts melting into each other
As I told you
everything that I could think of
There's no love here for us
We'll never be happy
My heart's not broken anymore
Nor is my soul dead.
I don't want you anymore
I don't NEED you anymore.
I sat there deep in thought for a moment
then I told I do still love you
but we won't be together
ever
Shh, just listen.
I'm not finished.
Love me for my honesty
Love me for eternity.
Love me to hate me.
Shh, just listen.
And there we sat on the phone.
Melting.
Listening.
And I continued to say the truth.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I thought there was something beautiful
in his voice
when he said he still loved me
The way the words rolled off his tongue
and lingered on his lips;
affirmations of the truth
to burn and scorn me later.
It is emblazoned in my mind
and the beauty in his trembling voice
was the vibration of his secret life.
I'm going to leave now
thinking about his voice
How beautiful he sounded
when he said he'd always love me
------------------------------------------------------------------------
your imperfections rub off on every corner
every last bit of everything you complain about
you hate
you never want to be
well, that's what you are
covering yourself in some type of mask
somedays its blue and somedays its red
portray yourself as this or that
prick every last part of my heart
as you cut open your own
what if i leave you bleeding in your own pity
listen carefully sweetheart,
don't worry I already know
Its all been sugar coated
quit pressing for more
I'm sitting perfectly still acting perfectly hopeless
if you are watching so carefully
then.. how come you don't see the obvious
dig too deep yourself into a hole
pathetic and dreaming yourself into a hole
dropping your life for someone to pick up
swerving into dark paths
too ignorant to look ahead just look back
your empty threats and horrid stories
strike me as endearing
shh.... for once calm yourself
before something else sliences you
into another round of your self-pity
------------------------------------------------------------------
Couldnt you love me?
I asked him One day.
He didnt say anything for A very long time.
I could hear his smile as he asked
"What do you mean by that?"
Nothing I said.
I then hung up and cried myself to sleep
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never hurt myself to die. I hurt myself to see if I am really alive..
Such a sad tragedy this all is...
Bad dreams end once you wake up. I guess the real thought is, am I awake? Or still dreaming? Am I dreaming all of this? Or, am I watching someone else's nightmare..?
I think I know.
I think I don't know.
I think I know that I don't know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rather vague.
Which, it seems so logical.
But perhaps it isn't.
That's my issue with deception or self-delusion.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
And i will always remember the words that you said
The way you sat there to try and fill my pretty head
Now I dont want to look back and see you cry
Dont want to remember why i had to say goodbye
Cause if I took one step back, I would get lost in your smile
I would force myself to sit and reminice for a while
I would find myself in your stare that was used to be so green
Hurting so much for you to hear just for once everything i mean.
its not that you hurt me
just that you pretended to care
and now you cant see me
cause i cant bring myself to be there
and all i wanted was to grip that pride
to tear it away just to see what i could find
you really cant hurt me
its so hard to stare through
it really didnt free me
all the words in the end that ended up untrue
And i still have all the voicemails, they were on speed dial
but now they are locked up waiting to go one trial
just for once when i could test your word against mine
all the nights that you held me and told me we would be fine.
But it never seems to go the way that little romances may plan.
it never seemed so nice when everything hit the fan.
when emotions ran crazy and everything was all about impulse
Now i sit here at night in my little dark house
its not that you hurt me
just that you pretended to care
and now you cant see me
cause i cant bring myself to be there
and all i wanted was to grip that pride
to tear it away just to see what i could find
you really cant hurt me
its so hard to stare through
it really didnt free me
all the words in the end that ended up untrue
Remembering your eyes and how i thought they would hold true
Rushing into everything at once and never really finding you
I cant take back the words that were uttered in lovely nights
When bodies moved as they did never putting up real fights
I would wake up in the morning thinking that i had it all
Hoping that deep down inside i could never have this downfall
Yours eyes on that night they have been burnt down so deep
Plainly lost in confusion dont know what you should keep
One day you might have the whole world and look back on me
And you will finally find what I was trying to make you see
that
maybe you hurt me
maybe you tried your best to care
maybe youll get a glimpse of me
maybe when i am really not there
maybe i will have my peices of pride
maybe not all my find
cause
maybe you could hurt me
maybe if you stared through
maybe you could free me
maybe then your words would be true
------------------------------------------------------------------------
and my demons
remind me of a story
that i used to tell
one of loss
friendship
romance
hate
anger
jealousy
depression
betrayel
loneliness
distance
hopeless romanticism
but not a love story
you were right
i was better than you
and now i can see it too
my dreams are too obscure
for even me to see
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
and you summed it all up this time
left your lasting impression
and i cant help
but think
youve
done it all
for me..
do you really love me
the way
the sky loves
the stars
do you love
me the
way
bees
love
the roses
your photographs the fix
do you understand
what im asking you
your name never
comes up anymore
guess
your old news
and ive missed
my calculations
counted
up instead
of down
forgot you werent
around
to teach me
my next lesson
close your mouth
safety pins
and hope nothing gets
in
to cause
a major infection
because you know what they say
words
are just
an instrument
to get inside
our heads
----------------------------------------------------------
i knew
i loved you
but right when
i thought
everything was okay
that we'd make it through
this time
it all came
crashing down
you fucked up
not me
I was the loyal one
you.
you.
you.
it was all
you.
if you would've
never done this
to me
then you would'nt
have to blame
anyone
and everything
would be just fine
but
its not
and
i'm not
i'm threw with you
no more
chances
im done.
</3
--------------------------------
jaded
is what you are
its what you'll always be
you never even noticed me
sheltered
is what you wish i was
its what you raised me to be
but i want nothing to do with your negativity
intoxicated
its what i am
by the intake or inhale
memories impaled
cut the pain in half
slash away the thoughts
cover up the bruises
ignore the pain
hold in the silent tears
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you want me to do?
Should I cut my heart out?
I have nothing else to give
Every thing else has been taken away
I dont care any more
I cant take the pain
I hate you all for what youve done to me
Cant you just pretend to love me?
Tell me what I want to hear
I dont care
You dont want me
No one ever wants me
Not for long
Im only good while its a game
Shame I never saw it that way
But thats all i am wanted for
So it doesnt last long
And you can stop when you get sick of it
Why do you do this to me?
Im sick of feeling like this.
Im sick of being caught in this endless cycle
Am I really that bad
That you all cant stand being with me
For any length of time?
It hurts so very much
Knowing that it was all
A lie
A game
Its real for me
Its my life youre playing with
Dont you understand that?
Should I cut my heart out
And give it to you?
Would that make it real?
But real isnt what you want
It never was
I was just convenient
And I hate you for it
I wish I could walk away
Speak to me tomorrow
And Ill love you again.
So you can play your games
It doesnt matter
A week from now Ill hate you again
For this hopeless feeling
Of being used and unloved.
Unwanted.
One day youll leave me
Someone else will come
And pick up where you left off.
Such is the story of my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were a few words I wanted to say
That you wouldnt have heard anyway
Something in your eyes told me to let you go
Something in my heart told me not to
I always thought that if I got my heart broken,
I could put it back together again.
I overlooked the fact that you still
have some of the pieces
Can I have them back?
I wanted to keep you forever
Just never let you go
Whispered sentiments sting my eyes
As I pry my soul away from you
Without you I feel alone
And empty
like nothing can ever make me happy again
I wished upon a star for you
And now youre going back to them
Why cant you stay here with me?
You were mine for a little while
We could just stay this way
But instead
I hear your whispered words of goodbye
Over the gentle breeze
Like fading notes from a piano
They float over and away until theyre gone
Hence, you are the Goodbye Song
--------------
sorry guys.. I AM REALLY happy with the wedding FINALLY coming and everything else.. I was just... reminiscing.
came across some of that old stuff, and wanted to share it. for once, looking at it has not caouse me to cry my eyes out, vomit, and spend weeks cut off from every one and everything. I am so happy that I have finally came to this point in my lfie. its a rather liberating feeling. I can finally say, "yes, I have moved on."
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Did you see Star Wars yet?