maladjusted

I reblog this every once in a while so that I dont forget. Dont worry everything is fine with me.

Remembrance.
This is it, Its over between us.
Ive tried so hard to make things work, i would of done anything for u.
Im so torn up inside.
This isint like the other times, I dont know why but i can feel the finality of it all.
Its almost like ive felt something break inside me.
I trudge through my work day, numb,listless,lost,speaking to no one.
A new mantra starts in my head on the drive home" Im a broken thing" repeated over and over.(i know what this is,Disassociation but cant or wont stop it)
I stop at the bank and withdraw all my money, i think to myself she'll need this.
I already know what im doing but im not really think about it.
I get home pour myself a drink of O.J. and vodka,gotta get my nerve up .
I do the dishes (shouldint leave them for her) and pour myself another.
The mantra play's on like a skipping record.
I head to my nightstand, inside are the pills i'll be needing,then to the closet in my toolbox is new razors just in case.
This is starting to become real to me,and im getting alittle scared,parts of my mind are screaming ' STOP call someone'but im to far gone the thought was thought and now im seeing it through.
Cant pour drinks now..just takeing pulls from the bottle and chaseing with O.J.
Money's in an envelope with just her name.
I grab a pad and begin to write< i start to weep as i say my goodbyes.. more and more people come to mind as i write (dont want to leave anyone out)
i think to myself through the haze ..anyone of these people would come to me now talk to me, hold me as i cry.
But the mantra keeps on,(Im a broken thing)
I grab the pills and open looking into the full bottle of sleeping pills,they look so harmless, no time for thought i down them like a shot and chase with vodka.I think to myself whats done is done i sit back down to finish my goodbye's. fat tears falling to the page's.Then i remember nothing.....
Two day's later i awake.. In a hospital...how i lived i'll never know.The cops found me out cold outside my apartment with my head busted open(i must have fallen).They found the note,(i dont remember what i had written and im not sure i want to.
I was comitted for two weeks,never talked about why i was there or for what till i got out.
My friends opened their arms to me, let me cry,held me,bitched at me a bit for not calling them.
They told me im not broken,their right.
Those who dont learn from there mistakes are bound to repeat them..........good thing im a fast learner.