maladjusted

What are words to some poeple?
I have no fucking Idea.

what I speak I mean.
whats so hard about that?
Is the world so Jaded and untrusting that they dont get it?
Im not a rich man..I cant buy you or make your problems vanish..nor could I would I want to..
what would you learn from that..such a waste.

I want to teach and learn and love..

teach me something and you'll always have a place in my heart..im really so easy..I hunger
hah ok maybe not so easy...that was a understatement..I need to learn and teach..I have so many things in life I've learned ..and ohh damn..trust me you ,what I've learned is hard won knowleage..some might pay in money some might pay in time..I've payed in blood and tears...and little scars you cant see even if you look close unless I let you near.

but I've learned some thing about myself as time has brough me on..a "broken thing im not"..and this you might not under stand..but as a gift I'll expalin and let you in..this is something I dont often do.

Once apon a time as many story start..I was in love..
what happened to said love matters not as much as the ending ..well at least not to me,,and said love is for another time..
let me start with how I feel as I write this..I feel Ill..and not the kind of ill as in discomfort..Ill as in I feel as if any moment I will puke at the writeing and bareing of my soul of this..
but sometimes..things need to be said to..lets say purge things from ones self

and on we go..

I remember the day: I woke we had words.she couldnt talk( she was never good at talking)it was all unfixable...mostly because one or the other couldnt or wouldnt express themselfs..(I pause to yawn ..im so removed from this its as if it happened to someone else)(and besides im tierd)
something she said broke me..(I shake my head because I wish I knew what it was she said)
maybe it wasint so much something she said as so much an idea of what was not to be ...a partner gone..a dream crushed..I long and dream of having a partner for life..someone to live and explore with to see the things in this world with and for it to all to have some reason..its one of the things I dont understand..yes yes I know I ramble but will be back on course in no time at all.
why are we here?

..blah blah blah

I was broken..or I choose to be..no thats wrong it wasnt a choice..she got me..and no Im not placeing blame...
it was just the right time for me to be in the place I was..yes..im here to learn..and maybe ..in 20/20 hindsight ..I needed to learn this.
so here I was..tunnel vision..nothing but something I woulnt face facing me..it amazes me how I knew what was going to happen but coulnt bring it to my thoughts...
the day went on and my mantra became" im a broken thing"over and over all day long I repeated this distanceing myself..from myself:im a broken thing,im a broken thing,im a broken thing,im a broken thing,..
I know what I was doing now..in hindsight..I made it through the work day..numb..
emotionless..I had none left.I can turn myself off..its a gift and a curse..or I could or I can and just wont anymore ..for fear of being numb..to hurt is better..is it not? nothing is better then something..
if I feel nothing am I truely living?
Im full of contrast..and if you read this you might not understand me..what I write is not all I am..to know me is to see my smile and feel it light you up..I have unboundless joy in me..but back to the past and what made me some of what I am.
Im a Broken Thing
after the work day I went to the store..as simple as can be I called my doctor to say I couldnt sleep..I hardly recal this phone call but it happedned sometimes in the day..>>the mantra blured it from my mind.Im A Broken Thing
I walking in numb..an aoutomaton...got what I needed and walked out ..I walked the rest of the way home..untouched my nature or any other living thing..whttch is so unlike Me..
I walked into my house..numb..and just going throught the motions of what I knew was to come..but what I never really thought of.
I got paper.a pen. a bottle of vodka.pulled the bottle of sleeping pills from its paper bag.and a razor ..the last I stuck in my ciggirette pack ..just in case things didint go "well"..
I remeber writeing as I often do when I need to vent ..and the tears flowed from me..I drank ..to steel myself.. and when I said what I most needed to say I got up and did a shot...
of sleeping pills
chased it with my sorrow and self pity and a bit of vodka to boot amd sat down to write some more..the rest is a blur..I slightly remember a vanilla sky moment as I was laughing and cying at my plight..at a lose for emotion or what one to express in my state..
as you can see..I lived..and belive it or not ..im thankful.ive meet such wonderful people and learned so much more..you really cant choice when its your time I've learned..yes..I died that day..both a little part of my soul and legally dead for a bit.
does it matter..for some ..sure..do I care..U bet.I am what I am..but this isnt all that I am..im so many things but so few people take the time to learn or care for the many things people can be..I am the sum of my parts..and so much more..im me..Im love..im soft..im hard.im understanding..im powerful..im shy..im sexy..im careing..im rude..im a in a word contrast..and that doesnt even being to discribe me...IM ME
all questions about me ..are at times better left unasked..but the best answers go to the people with the nuts to ask them..I happen to be an oepn book..welcome to my life.


xoxoxox hugs and kisses