makebelieve

I want to be someone else. I hate myself. I can't change, I can't be fucking BRAVE. I can't boost my self esteem.

I was supposed to meet said guy tonight to sing karaoke. He asked me if I was going to come yesterday and today. Said he'd be there around 7:30. Tried to get my best friend to go with me, but she wouldn't go because there might be people there she didn't want to see. So I get there around 7:30. Sit in the parking lot. Try to get the courage to go in. I'm not good at going in by myself. I go in to use the bathroom. Check the bar, don't see him. Go back to the car. At 8, I'm gone. I am not brave enough to sit at the bar by myself. And I was too excited to go. Nervous. About going, about singing, ya know. But now...I just can't do it. I guess I needed and expected my "best friend" to be there for me. I can't really count on anyone can I? I mean, who knows if this guy even really likes me? Besides the fact he still has a fucking girlfriend so what is the point in continuing on with liking him.

I just want to be someone else. Someone who is confident. Someone who feels pretty. Someone who is missed. Someone who is worth missing. I don't know. Right now, it all seems pretty pointless to me.