majortomias

Been modeling for money, making impulsive impatent desisions then going back on them when I realize that I was overreacting, having drastic mood swings ranging from giddy happy to "want to die" depressed, thinking a lot about "deep" big picture things, struggling with my sense of self and what to do in the short term/ long term, adjusting to changes in scenery and responsibility, battling loneliness and trying to figure out the reason I have such a feeling, and trying to have fun and escape it all when possible.
Ha, huge run on sentence. Fuck off, grammer freaks!

I have been basically living life, I just wish I knew why it seems so much harder right now then it did in the past. The only time in my life that I have felt complete, happy on a regular basis was in the past 5 months. When I was hedonistic to an excess. Destructively self indulgent. My name on SG (Road to Ruin) explains my desire to persue things that give me a quick fix of happiness until the destructive nature of the things I enjoy distroys me. To either crash and burn, or slowly waste away being totally counterproductive, but artificially content. To live like a rockstar. There is something totally appealing about the concept of living with reckless abondon, like there will be no tomorrow. "Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse." it seems terribly romantic, or maybe I'm just brainwashed by popculture. ::shrug::

Despite its appeal, I won't live that way. I have ambition, I want to leave something behind when I die. I want to have a positive impact on people, maybe the world. So I will do my best to live moderately, to achive a balance. But I will continue to pay homage to the fantasy.

Yeah... if you read all that, kudos. time for bed, been lacking sleep lately. Must... shut... off... brain.