Coucou tout le monde ! ✨
Today, I wanted to share with you a blog very personal about me. Probably the most personal I can write, since it's about my mental health.
TW though : it can be quite violent, especialy for those sharing this kind of conditions. So take care, don't read if you don't feel like it.
Also, sorrrry I am french and sometimes writing in english is hard, so it may be writen quite badly.
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I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD for short). First it was a suspicion years ago, and then confirmed by the same psychiatrist who first suspected it. (it took years because he first first in internship an then was back years later).
Indeed, I have a unvolunteer subscription to an emotional roller coaster, hights being short times of intense joice, immediatly followed by ravines of tears and anger. Those intense emotions are such that life seems unbearable, the extreme emergency to leave the wagon makes me think of jumping off, or bang my head against the walls of the vehicle.
My emotions are hurricanes. They cross the room and project everything everywhere : things, people, myself. To control themp seems often impossible, and even when I momentarily feel in control, this control is taken from when any events happen.
Drowned, I have one emergency : to get out of these deep waters, to reach the surface. I struggle, blinded, death, unpossed of my reason by the water going in my eyes, ears, throat et even my brain. Then, I hurt in my efforts the ones who I think stand between
me and the surface.
I am taken in the storm, but the storm is also in me. I am a furious wind, a destroying hurricane. I cry salted rains, and some taste like copper.
I destroy. I destroy myself. But not only. I destroy what’s around me. Those around me. I am a toxic flower.
A poison.
Chaos.
If you come close, beware the spikes : they don’t only hurt, they are venomous.
« Whether I'm pulling the pin or not, everyone who gets close to me dies »
My chaos doesn’t spare anyone, it takes those who come close in destructive swirls. My affective life is then dynamited by my necessary explosions. (Boom)
I am afraid of others. Afraid then come close. Afraid they come close enough to remove my pin, since they are the main trigger of the grenade I am.
Afraid to hurt.
To poison.
