magni

Okay its my turn for the 48 hours thing.

C got her scooter stolen in my hood. I always knew this place was bit sketchy but I figured whatever lock protection she had going on with the scooter was going to to keep it secure. I mean scooters aren't made to be easy snatches right? Otherwise whats the point of having them on the streets at all?

I was wrong! I suppose I can be a naive fuck at times. For that I blame myself.

She woke me up Sun morning with this urgency I wasn't immediately identifying, "It finally happened!", she said excitedly.

I couldn't tell if 'it' was good or bad yet, as I was still in bed and drowsy.

I said "what did?".

She "IT finally happened!".

"What finally happened?"

"IT FINALLY HAPPENED!", she said again and I finally got it.

The rest of the day I was in shock. I knew that this had to be a very big deal for C but I didn't know her well enough to know how big. I could only guess and wait to see how far down it was going to take her, since I had no idea how far it was capable of taking her. I was pretty much out of my skin trying to be ready for anything from a crazy devil may care nihilistic shrug to losing her to some personal abyss of a cruel universe constructed from some other earlier primeval blackness but tied in closely to this one to be a perfect passageway (Yes I know the about the universe-hates-me total fuck hole tye-in, its a bitch of a mind experience). And to try to be there for that, whatever extreme that was going to be. I would lie if I said I wasn't put on the most awkward and frightening balance I had known to have voluntarily perched on ever. I wasn't afraid for myself. I wouldn't be destroyed because I had already been. I have been my own afterlife for as long as I have been on SG, in fact. But how much of C would get destroyed? And us? I could only hope for it to be a miraculously small portion but accept whatever it might truly end up being. How many parts of her that rested on this bike would sting her through its vacuum?

I had seen a panic attack for her before, and I knew she had cutter tendencies that she assured me were in the past, but I had seen some heading banging. And I know the tailspin having done it before too. For me, I promised a guru that I would never kill myself and that has made me contort my mind into baby forward thrusts through all my prior self-destructive urges whenever I felt that I was skidding the bottom of something. If I failed at spirituality then that was the one vow I could keep. It is in a sum my integrity. I have come to identify the urge as an incredible desire to change, grow, or to be vital. Truth is on Monday at work I had been down from the whole thing, I had started to feel like I had a grip on my space in all this so I was sane but I was just down. For the first time I started to proactively search for the suicidal urge. I used to always simply react to it, not search it out. But I knew that I could stand on it and get vital again. This would make me the strongest I could be for C. And yes I found it and have been using it.

I just found out from her journal how much of a spin she went into all alone and unable to transport conveniently to company that could console her. Not that I was surprised but I simply was in suspended animation because I didn't know the strain that the bike would have. Thats how these things go. Since I know self-destruction, I know it is a very lonely and isolated mood. Its not something easily communicated.

At one point she said she'd try to snap out of it Mon night but I knew that was not that real. I told to her she didn't have to she could take the whole day, I knew this would hurt longer than that but I said it really to get her mind off of rushing into hiding her feelings at least for a while longer. I'd rather her not using that paradigm.

So I knew I might not be able to read where she was heading, even if she was heading there. She could be frozen in ice while being eaten by Lucifer, while it appears we are just chit chatting, because its too much to communicate and you can get used to hiding extremes. And then you can for real be normal right after too. I know that experience too. Jeez the mind is fucked up and wonderful at the same time.

She is amazing and talented, gorgeously spirited and quite attractive and its amazing to see this sort of disregard or disrespect of that when it comes to cutting. Its simply an amazing phenomenon. But again I know it very well. Not that I was much of a cutter but a vitriolic self-hater for sure. It is the fuel that she has. She has conscious rocket fuel, sprinting energy, self engendered fighting spirit. A concious reuse of something uglier to far better effect. But some invisble and faceless bandits came and stole her child when she sleeping and unaware. And at the same time they stole the equivalent of a very difficult to replace sum of money, difficult anytime soon. And perhaps most of all, stole a symbol of self value that is tangible, that you can ride even. And the people who did it got away and are enjoying their success, and it undoubtedly does not mean as much to their grubby hands as it it does to C. It's just a cheap buck and a thrill. Assholes.

It is total fucking injustice.

But I'm not afraid of hell. I've been there, got the lousy t-shirt, and escaped once already. I can go wherever C is. I'm sure she knows a way out or two but just in case I do too.