Its just how it will always be.
I've tried to become part of the light bunch but I will always be serious serious serious. Except when I'm not. Btw that stands for:
Serious love. Serious sex. Serious conversations.
Enough alcohol and enough porn and I can chill but thats just an absurd requirement for getting laid back. Maybe in the future, but right now it's always a balancing act.
Thats why I had wanted to be poly. I wanted to get up on my balancing beam and learn to walk. I wanted to learn how to live high above the ground like Julia 'Butterfly' Hill for years on end without leaping. Thats how someone who loves life is.
I think its just a desire to change. I destroyed my marriage over it. It was like we were both in two lanes and one of us had to pass because we were going to have to merge soon. But we both kept speeding up. At least thats how I thought of it then. I honestly thought she'd yield. I was the one who needed to change before I became too emotionally arthritic, I was the one who recognized that I couldn't count on too many more days of vigor and flexibility. So I thought it would come out that way. However now matter how bad you think you've suffered misguidance in your life, in a relationship you both have equal entitlement, equal need. She needed to know that how I felt about her had not changed, even though I was trying to change so bloody seriously, I wasn't trying to change that. I had beaten myself up for so long with poor socioeconomic self maintenance, and now I batter my mind and body with nicotene but love remains. How then will a positive change hurt?
I don't think I will ever forget that lesson.
I can't promise I will always bring fulfillment to my future wife because I am not sure if I can change as much as I had wanted, but I can promise I will slow down this time. I have been working like a dog for the last year, trying to push the things that weren't right and accept the things that were. But I'm still intensely angsty inside. I'm still like a damn teenager. My heart still flickers between promise and despair, like an old fluorescent light bulb. But I will yield. Life in socity is just as much about slowing down as it is about speeding up. Others can pass me. I'm okay with that because I am not superior to myself nor am I inferior to myself. Those are roles for others. Even roles for you, the reader.
I'm just a heart of dark bittersweet chocolate. Is it sweet or is it bitter? Make of it what you will.
One day I will acheive sustainable release. One day I'll be reliable like an elegeant sprinkler of desire on the lawn of the world.
One day below the fog and away from the noise.
One day somewhere in this underground heart.
Maybe one minute, maybe one year, but one day, it'll happen.