magneticflux

*No, I must agree, I've also never had control.

It's a fleeting and reoccurring feeling that I'm just waking or that I'm being pushed through different realities; the later being closer to the mark. For example, I hardly remember why I wrote my comment on math - and it digressed or made me seem to sputter in retrospect (which seems off color).

I can only think that it has something to do with my mind losing the perception of continuous consciousness. Which, I imagine, stems from the expression of some earlier obsession I've had with self-identity being fortified into my subconscious.

Whatever the case, it is disquieting and seems to be increasing in frequency and intensity.

It is fortunate when change occurs at a rate amicable with my self-identity; for even though I am a determinist and accept my role as a cog in this causal universe, certain detriment shines through in the everyday:

I think it has something to do with a conflict between my brain stem and the cortex. I say this because while I feel like I am being pushed into and out of reality, I have a trailing sense of the visceral. It's as if I were a time sharing system and as the brain stem begins to operate it supersedes the cortex in priority and much to my horror I am privy and observer to this. This is no new news for it has been on the lips of many when they say things like "I was thinking with my other head" etc. However, I am more disturbed that as time has progressed I have gathered an acute sense that my time where I am in control (if you will) is diminishing. More poignantly, I have come now to the distinct awareness that I am, completely, a prisoner- I emphasize that this is a feeling not a thought.

While I am fine with this conceptually, it is the constantly grating, in and out feeling that wreaks havoc on me.

This coupling of the beast (the brain stem) and sufficiently complex thought - to invoke the word conscious - is grotesque to me, and it is why I abhor humanity. I wish this 'beast' part were a tangible and localized thing; for, I would have it removed. However, it must be severely complex and integral to our 'consciousness' so I have no realistic prospects of freeing myself from it. This must be the same feeling that struck Freud and helped him conceive the idea of the Id.

I resign myself to knowing that, while, our desires are fundamental to our thoughts, these same desires needn't be necessary for other intelligent things. Hence, I will strive for absolution via creating something pure, something free from these bodies.



-These are my thoughts as of late.