doubts. so many doubts. am i doing the right thing? am i with the right person? am i living where i'm supposed to be?
once upon a time, i met this boy Temptation. he looks a lot like Trouble, only taller and with a better body. so, maybe i should call him double trouble haha. i was at the club with my friend, and met up with Temptation and some of his friends. Temptation and i flirted all night. we danced and groped and flirted some more. nothing happened, though. i'm going out with the same friend, who does nothing but help lead me astray from my monogamous relationship, and we're meeting up with mr. temptation again. and again, it's at a time where i'm doubting my relationship. we broke up about two months ago because things didn't seem to be working. we got back together because we were both in a lot of pain and missed each other. did i give myself enough time? could i have gotten over him had i not jumped the gun to a reconciliation? i cheated with Trouble more than once, and i'll admit it, i desperately tried to cheat with Temptation -only he was way to drunk to stay conscious, much less deal with the two eager girls sharing the bed with him. it that a sign i'm not with the right person or just that i'm too horny for my own good or maybe that i'm too fucking young to be in a serious relationship and need to get out before i start hearing about our fucking wedding plans. i love him, i do. and it'll hurt if we break up again. but, he gets on my fucking nerves sometimes. should i just look past it? uugh. i'm confused, i'm scared, i'm unsure. would it be cruel to break up with him right before christmas? right after our one year anniversary? or would it be more cruel to say with him until the holidays are over just to leave him after all that effort? FUCK. do i want to leave him? i don't fucking know what i even feel anymore. someone tell me what to do. someone tell me it's gonna be alright. i'm nineteen fucking years old, i've got all of my grown up years ahead of me. someone tell me what i want. what to do.
on a completely different note...
i've got an appointment to get treatment for my adhd. it's terrible. i couldn't even pay enough attention to drive. i had to give up my license because after 5 accidents in 9 months, with 2 cars totaled, i couldn't afford insurance. i hardly graduated. i kept a job at a restaurant for about a year and a half, because i could wander and talk and lose focus and it's okay, it's a restaurant. when i quit that job, i got frustrated with everything and overwhelmed and now i'm not working. it's a relief and a disaster. i wanna go back to school. i wanna do well. i'm going to need help to accomplish that.
every time i feel my life is shit, i watch intervention. it makes me feel like my life is alright. sometimes. sometimes it gives me ideas. i need to loose weight, and there was an anorexic girl on tonight. i like food too much. it gives me an outlet to cry. anytime i need to be a mess i play an episode and sob for the entire thing sometimes. it's good to cry about things other than my life haha.
i'm pretty down today, i don't know why. things went well today. i did watch the worst movie i've ever seen though. the mist was utterly terrible.
once upon a time, i met this boy Temptation. he looks a lot like Trouble, only taller and with a better body. so, maybe i should call him double trouble haha. i was at the club with my friend, and met up with Temptation and some of his friends. Temptation and i flirted all night. we danced and groped and flirted some more. nothing happened, though. i'm going out with the same friend, who does nothing but help lead me astray from my monogamous relationship, and we're meeting up with mr. temptation again. and again, it's at a time where i'm doubting my relationship. we broke up about two months ago because things didn't seem to be working. we got back together because we were both in a lot of pain and missed each other. did i give myself enough time? could i have gotten over him had i not jumped the gun to a reconciliation? i cheated with Trouble more than once, and i'll admit it, i desperately tried to cheat with Temptation -only he was way to drunk to stay conscious, much less deal with the two eager girls sharing the bed with him. it that a sign i'm not with the right person or just that i'm too horny for my own good or maybe that i'm too fucking young to be in a serious relationship and need to get out before i start hearing about our fucking wedding plans. i love him, i do. and it'll hurt if we break up again. but, he gets on my fucking nerves sometimes. should i just look past it? uugh. i'm confused, i'm scared, i'm unsure. would it be cruel to break up with him right before christmas? right after our one year anniversary? or would it be more cruel to say with him until the holidays are over just to leave him after all that effort? FUCK. do i want to leave him? i don't fucking know what i even feel anymore. someone tell me what to do. someone tell me it's gonna be alright. i'm nineteen fucking years old, i've got all of my grown up years ahead of me. someone tell me what i want. what to do.
on a completely different note...
i've got an appointment to get treatment for my adhd. it's terrible. i couldn't even pay enough attention to drive. i had to give up my license because after 5 accidents in 9 months, with 2 cars totaled, i couldn't afford insurance. i hardly graduated. i kept a job at a restaurant for about a year and a half, because i could wander and talk and lose focus and it's okay, it's a restaurant. when i quit that job, i got frustrated with everything and overwhelmed and now i'm not working. it's a relief and a disaster. i wanna go back to school. i wanna do well. i'm going to need help to accomplish that.
every time i feel my life is shit, i watch intervention. it makes me feel like my life is alright. sometimes. sometimes it gives me ideas. i need to loose weight, and there was an anorexic girl on tonight. i like food too much. it gives me an outlet to cry. anytime i need to be a mess i play an episode and sob for the entire thing sometimes. it's good to cry about things other than my life haha.
i'm pretty down today, i don't know why. things went well today. i did watch the worst movie i've ever seen though. the mist was utterly terrible.
i'm still having strange dreams. i woke up screaming the other night. all i remember was dreaming there was someone in my room. i don't remember what the premise was, i just remember it was a hooded figure that appeared out of nowhere and i started trying to shout for help and woke myself up. i haven't been that terrified in my sleep in a while.
what's happening to me?