What is happening to me? Why can't I do what I know is the best choice? I know that by all rights and reason, I should just chalk this up as a learning experience and move the fuck on, but I can't...
Why?
I don't know.
But I do know that I have to try. If I give up, I will be plagued for the rest of my life with the what if's. I know that if there is only one time in my life that I get to stand up for myself and stand up for what I want, it has to be now.
I'm not an aggressive person. I can't just take what I want. All I can do is wait and hope. If that means that I pass up many other opportunities, so be it. Those other opportunities hold no guarantee. I'm sure they would make me happy, but it would only be temporary. I know in my heart that this is what I have always needed, and perfection is almost impossible to come by. I hate myself for what I'm doing. I feel like a horrible person. Not only am I screwing myself up, I'm screwing up someone else too. Why do I feel this way? What can I do?
I don't know.
Only time will tell.
Why?
I don't know.
But I do know that I have to try. If I give up, I will be plagued for the rest of my life with the what if's. I know that if there is only one time in my life that I get to stand up for myself and stand up for what I want, it has to be now.
I'm not an aggressive person. I can't just take what I want. All I can do is wait and hope. If that means that I pass up many other opportunities, so be it. Those other opportunities hold no guarantee. I'm sure they would make me happy, but it would only be temporary. I know in my heart that this is what I have always needed, and perfection is almost impossible to come by. I hate myself for what I'm doing. I feel like a horrible person. Not only am I screwing myself up, I'm screwing up someone else too. Why do I feel this way? What can I do?
I don't know.
Only time will tell.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
That being said: Have a 2 below for me tomorrow if you have a chance. I've been hurting for a case of that myself since I got back...
I tell you what, though. I've definitely learned that we make our own luck and opportunity. And it's not even an aggressiveness thing. I'm not that aggressive.
Check it out. When I went through Airborne School in 2002, there were 300 people in the class to start. about 100 failed out for various reasons, but 200 of us made it to Jump Week. Out of those 200, there were 8 people who froze in the door and had to be "helped" out of the airplane. Of those eight, seven of them were like "Wow, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be," and completed the remaining four jumps and earned their Parachutist's Badge.
The lesson learned from this? It's never as bad as what we think it will be. Time and time again, I've found that out, but sometimes I still need convincing.
I hear what you are saying brother... But the truly great things in life need to be seized. You definitely have it in you.