madison

i got a big huge waterbed handed down to me. it takes up most of my room but now i have room for two or three

it's half matress and half waterbed so the motion of the flow is not disturbed. though i don't know that for sure yet but i've been practicing by myself with it.

so i went job hunting yesterday...seems my bar won't be back to normal from the fire for about a month. who can sit around and wait for that to happen?! i need money!
plus hey! humans need benefits. so i thought REAL JOB! like my ma has been pounding into my head....REAL job.( i only hope that fast food worker or gas station clerk aren't included)
unfortunately there are no jobs that can be careers that can satisfy me forever....or that even include benefits.

maybe john kerry will create a career for me!
like....shit.......i never figured out what i wanted to do with my life. i figured something would come to me.......something would fall in my lap.......i figured a career is something that anyone can find................... any one who did (or did not) go to college anyway..................and what kind of human has that kind of money for college with out a career in the first place..........................................................................................................................................................i guess i'm just screwed to bounce around from meaningless job to meaningless job one hate filled day after another.

YIPPEE!!! screams my sarcasm..... YIP the fuck EEE!

i've been dreaming about hotels...actually i used to always dream about hotels alot when i was younger too but i stopped taking interest to my dreams a while ago....only now i can't get away from them. every night out of a couple of vivid sometime shaky dreams theres a hotel, or a hotel room, or a hotel party, or hotel event. there are suitcases or in my case dufflebags over filled and unorganized with clothes half aren't even mine.....and i awake feeling lost.

but then again awake i am lost.
so you can imagine my mood for the day....this cloudy stupid grey day that makes me feel like nothing at all.
waiting around.....
for winter to consume and depress me. i pictured snow on the ground for today and i attempted hibernation.
but lets get REAL shall we. hibernation is only possible for animals who don't worry about money, or benefits, or how to support themselves for the rest of their life, how to get what they want out of life.
they just know all the food will be hiding away for months so there's no reason to be awake for the time being.

my mood for today....
close the door, turn off the lights, pull the covers tightly over me and go back to bed for a couple of days.