madeira

I felt like I needed to write a letter this morning.
lol.


Dear Joey,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I dislike your eyelashes. I think i realized it when your dog humped my leg in your closet and I saw you pour syrup on my corned beef hash. I'm sure you're frostbitten enough to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning your old New Kids on the Block blanket, but I'll keep the oil tank from your car as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break your legs and I'm scratching my ass as you read this.

Your everlasting enemy,
Gabrielle

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1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - Im joining the Convent
Black - Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
Sweat shirt- You're mean
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July When you sma cked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Lasagna- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrtien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey The Catholic Priest
Brown The Montreal Canadians goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink Your My Little Pony collection
None My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Sexy
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed That were related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exsist
Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White -Your love letters to me
Yellow - Your toe ring
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown- Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montanna underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your glass eye
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbours dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - My virginity
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H Hate your cooking
I/J Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Havent showered in a month
Y/Z am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink Im off to lead a new life as a lemon
Pop I will haunt you when Im reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water I'm scratching my ass as you read this
Cider I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral water You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer Thanks for the Cocaine
Other you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain- With tears of sadness
China You make me sick
Germany Please dont hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

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Dear (someone you've spoken to recently),

I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it when (2) (3) and I saw you (4) (5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12)
(Your name)