maddigan

My grandfather died two days ago.

Apparently. Because as those of you who've known me for awhile remember, my parents don't talk to me. And that's the side of the family who've elected to take that route as well. So no one told me until someone on the other side disobeyed explicit instructions from my own mother not to tell me and passed the information along. According to my mother, I'm not part of the family.

I can't go to the funeral, which is today. I don't know where it even is to send anything, don't know where he's buried. I hadn't seen him or really talked to him in a year. I never really thought about that aspect of my familial setup. That family would pass and there wouldn't be anything I could do about it.

I'm not okay.

I want to just curl up. I started crying in the middle of a goth club last night. Go figure, hanging out with a bunch of self-important overly dramatic kids didn't help. I managed to make it out the door until I really broke down.

I couldn't work today. Couldn't handle it. Finances will be fucked. Should I sell prints to try to make up the difference?

I don't want to be alone right now. But I don't know who'll stay with me. I needed last night, and I want today, to just have someone hold me and let me cry. That's all I want.

I'm wandering around in a daze alternately blank or crying while I try to pack up my apartment for my move on Sunday. I feel lost.

Oh, and:


That's him in the middle row, third from the right, with the cigarette. I remember a year ago him looking at that picture, telling me how he was the only one of them still alive. The look in his face was heartbreaking. Now they're all gone