madam_lash

why does it have to be so hard? no really??

le husband went for his sperm count last week and we went back to the doctors on monday. it was not good. like i mean, really really really bad. an average male is supposed to have 20 million swimming sperm per 1mL. le husband had a mere 100,000 per 1mL. its incredibly low. not only that. but they are also very lazy swimmers. argh!

so the doctor has said that it may be caused by an infection.... and infection left over from german measles, from chicken pox, from a fucking cold for gods sake!! prescribed antibiotics and has to go do another sperm test in 12 weeks. if the results come back the same, we get referred to a urologist to check that all the plumbing is working correctly. argh.

basically, weve been told that it is unlikely that we will conceive the natural way. it doesnt matter how many times we have sex, or what position we have sex, or if i lie with my legs hanging over my head for 5 hours... its unlikely that its going to happen.

do you know what that does to my heart? its in tatters! but. i know he feels worse. he cant give me the things that i want with all my heart and my soul. and i know that is tearing him apart too. so i need to stay strong. not cry. be happy.

the doctor mentioned IVF. but at $10,000 for one try... how the fuck could we ever afford that??!? and then if its not successful and we want to try again.... its another $10,000. its never ending!

so yeah. thats whats going on with me at the moment. its fucked. but thats life. my life has never been one joyous event after the other.... mum and dad divorced, my little sister was sexually assaulted by my uncle, my then step dad beat my sister so badly she was admitted to hospital, he then continued to destroy my mother, my sister falls pregnant.... you know? life is just one fucking disaster after the other. when will something good happen?