Fucking Valentine's Day. I love two people this day for two very different reasons. To Prince Charming went the following email - and the ex is around quite a bit lately for me, letting me have Javert at his house and all... and I DO love him - but I have been there. Do I want to go back? I do not know. But I had to close/change the lease agreement with the Prince before I can even deal with that one... as follows:
Hey you.
Have not heard from you - not sure what is going on. At least when it comes down to it.
But today is Valentine's Day and I did think of you today.... so here it is.
I have been meaning to talk to you about what this "dating" thing is that we have been doing.
Well, it is more like tell you something.
Now, like is says on the cover of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, DON'T PANIC!
Read the rest and then pass judgement. But do read it through.
(deep breath)
Being as young as I am, I know you think that right now I need to be free to do my thing - and I respect that thought. However, I am done. I have been done with it for awhile. I am tired of the guys out there, looking for SOMETHING that I can be happy with. Being as disfunctional as I am, that is difficult enough - but to find someone who gets it and smiles anyway - that is rare thing.
I am just trying to get across here a simple thing and I am making it complicated... figures (typical woman). So let me try again.
I love you. I always have. It went from admiration to affection to respect and then strong like into love - over the last 4 years of seeing you. And I love to see you when I can, I have always been okay with seeing you when it was convenient - I guess working like I do limits travel ability some.. but hey - that is whole 'nother discussion. Since mid-2004, I began to feel again, so many emotions I never knew I had (due to quitting the major drug use). I felt something when I took advantage of you at the beginning of my 20th year - but it kept growing into what it is, I just did not realize it. Before I knew it, I was head over feet and in awe that I could find someone so like me but so complimentary. It reminds me every time of that one line in AS GOOD AS IT GETS when Jack says to Helen, "You make me want to be a better man". Or something like that.
You make me want to be a better person. I want to be the well educated and mannared woman I can be, I have just wanted someone else to raise the bar I had to qualify under. Then I realized recently that would have to be me to raise the bar - so that is what I am up to and it corrilates to this here...
I want to date you. Officially. I want to be exclusive, I want to hear from you more than once a month, I want ... well, the fairy tale I guess. The 21st century one, that is - with courting and romance, sweet gifts and appreciation. Basically, I want to be the girlfriend or work towards that point - if you want me.
I realize that this may be a little bit much - but it has been hanging over my head since about May of this past year, when you started talking the way you did - especially before the surgery. Now I do not know if it was the facing of mortality that created those ideas but, when you came back, the intention seemed to fade like a novelty. Remember that night when I told you to follow through with what you were talking about or not to talk about it at all? it was the first night we just hung out at your house and made out on the couch like high school kids - and it was intimate - and do you remember what happened? I walked out and smoked a cigarette, I told you then and there on the patio the deal: talk all you want, just prove it. And right now, it is all hot air as far as I can tell.
Good intentions yes. But no follow through.
So I cannot keep doing this.. limiting my field of affection for someone who may or may not want me... like that. I am mean, sure, the sex is great and the time spent together is quality - but do I just fill a void for you? Do you even want more than what you have? I mean, why buy the cow if the milk is for free?
I am not proud of myself at times in my life, I am no saint that is for sure. But this thing with you I cannot justify anymore. I am finished holding my heart out on my sleeve for you while unsuspecting boyfriends are played by me and are cheated of my whole heart. [the asshole ex] and [the ex] both said that I held back because of you - and they knew it. They could tell looking back that I never was truly theirs, I was always waiting for you to be ready for me or vice versa. And that hurt them more than the cheating itself. Like I said, I am not proud of my decisions in the past.
Now it is my turn to feel, to be hurt. I fear this will be useless and I will loose you (typical female again) but, at the same time, I hope that it is not the case. I want to try to have a normal functional relationship with someone I can truly give myself fully to and feel like I am safe to do so. So what do I do? I call you out and request for more...
Being that I have not heard from you today at all, I am assuming work takes you and you may not even realize the day is today.
But I did - and I am telling you today because it is Valentine's Day. I want you to be my valentine - because I love you. That is how it feels for me - and I thought you should know.
Do what you will with this, it is up to you. FYI - there is voicemail at the house for a reason.
Fuck. :smacks forehead:
7: 23 pm
And on top of that, just had a nice hash-out with the ex. On fucking Valentine's Day I get into it deep with the one man who loves me for every piece of my existance - and even for the ones he cannot stand. I know I love him, I know I have to turn it into a -ed though. I got comfortable again, really fast. Just fell into it. I really tried to fight it this time. It was like pressing a bruise on day #2 when it is all black and blue - you wince when the discussion occurs again. Him I will miss, I always knew that. From the day I walked into his shop.
That is two fuck ups today. Fucking great. Fuck.
Good thing the Silverlake Lounge has Killola playing tonight. And Javert is in from New York so he is joining me as well as my old roomie, the redhead. Drinks later at the Standard downtown? I think I might - 8am call though.
7: 40 pm Damn it! Killola is ill and is not preforming tonight... FUCK! this day blows.
Hey you.
Have not heard from you - not sure what is going on. At least when it comes down to it.
But today is Valentine's Day and I did think of you today.... so here it is.
I have been meaning to talk to you about what this "dating" thing is that we have been doing.
Well, it is more like tell you something.
Now, like is says on the cover of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, DON'T PANIC!
Read the rest and then pass judgement. But do read it through.
(deep breath)
Being as young as I am, I know you think that right now I need to be free to do my thing - and I respect that thought. However, I am done. I have been done with it for awhile. I am tired of the guys out there, looking for SOMETHING that I can be happy with. Being as disfunctional as I am, that is difficult enough - but to find someone who gets it and smiles anyway - that is rare thing.
I am just trying to get across here a simple thing and I am making it complicated... figures (typical woman). So let me try again.
I love you. I always have. It went from admiration to affection to respect and then strong like into love - over the last 4 years of seeing you. And I love to see you when I can, I have always been okay with seeing you when it was convenient - I guess working like I do limits travel ability some.. but hey - that is whole 'nother discussion. Since mid-2004, I began to feel again, so many emotions I never knew I had (due to quitting the major drug use). I felt something when I took advantage of you at the beginning of my 20th year - but it kept growing into what it is, I just did not realize it. Before I knew it, I was head over feet and in awe that I could find someone so like me but so complimentary. It reminds me every time of that one line in AS GOOD AS IT GETS when Jack says to Helen, "You make me want to be a better man". Or something like that.
You make me want to be a better person. I want to be the well educated and mannared woman I can be, I have just wanted someone else to raise the bar I had to qualify under. Then I realized recently that would have to be me to raise the bar - so that is what I am up to and it corrilates to this here...
I want to date you. Officially. I want to be exclusive, I want to hear from you more than once a month, I want ... well, the fairy tale I guess. The 21st century one, that is - with courting and romance, sweet gifts and appreciation. Basically, I want to be the girlfriend or work towards that point - if you want me.
I realize that this may be a little bit much - but it has been hanging over my head since about May of this past year, when you started talking the way you did - especially before the surgery. Now I do not know if it was the facing of mortality that created those ideas but, when you came back, the intention seemed to fade like a novelty. Remember that night when I told you to follow through with what you were talking about or not to talk about it at all? it was the first night we just hung out at your house and made out on the couch like high school kids - and it was intimate - and do you remember what happened? I walked out and smoked a cigarette, I told you then and there on the patio the deal: talk all you want, just prove it. And right now, it is all hot air as far as I can tell.
Good intentions yes. But no follow through.
So I cannot keep doing this.. limiting my field of affection for someone who may or may not want me... like that. I am mean, sure, the sex is great and the time spent together is quality - but do I just fill a void for you? Do you even want more than what you have? I mean, why buy the cow if the milk is for free?
I am not proud of myself at times in my life, I am no saint that is for sure. But this thing with you I cannot justify anymore. I am finished holding my heart out on my sleeve for you while unsuspecting boyfriends are played by me and are cheated of my whole heart. [the asshole ex] and [the ex] both said that I held back because of you - and they knew it. They could tell looking back that I never was truly theirs, I was always waiting for you to be ready for me or vice versa. And that hurt them more than the cheating itself. Like I said, I am not proud of my decisions in the past.
Now it is my turn to feel, to be hurt. I fear this will be useless and I will loose you (typical female again) but, at the same time, I hope that it is not the case. I want to try to have a normal functional relationship with someone I can truly give myself fully to and feel like I am safe to do so. So what do I do? I call you out and request for more...
Being that I have not heard from you today at all, I am assuming work takes you and you may not even realize the day is today.
But I did - and I am telling you today because it is Valentine's Day. I want you to be my valentine - because I love you. That is how it feels for me - and I thought you should know.
Do what you will with this, it is up to you. FYI - there is voicemail at the house for a reason.
Fuck. :smacks forehead:
7: 23 pm
And on top of that, just had a nice hash-out with the ex. On fucking Valentine's Day I get into it deep with the one man who loves me for every piece of my existance - and even for the ones he cannot stand. I know I love him, I know I have to turn it into a -ed though. I got comfortable again, really fast. Just fell into it. I really tried to fight it this time. It was like pressing a bruise on day #2 when it is all black and blue - you wince when the discussion occurs again. Him I will miss, I always knew that. From the day I walked into his shop.
That is two fuck ups today. Fucking great. Fuck.
Good thing the Silverlake Lounge has Killola playing tonight. And Javert is in from New York so he is joining me as well as my old roomie, the redhead. Drinks later at the Standard downtown? I think I might - 8am call though.
7: 40 pm Damn it! Killola is ill and is not preforming tonight... FUCK! this day blows.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
As for regrets, leave that kick ass song for Sinatra to sing about. There shouldnt be any as long as youve learn from them and apply them to your daily life. There more like events or experiences that help you in discovering who you are, who you want to become, and who you dont want to be. I wouldnt worry about it too much if I were you.
Good luck darlin.