m_bethany

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I PROMISE I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU ASK.... THIS TIME.

THIS IS THE STRAW, THE FINAL STRAW
I feel it. I know it. I hear it my head so loud that I cannot hear my brain yelling to turn it off. And I told him last night the truth.

I lost a good friend to me being a horny bastard and wanting what I could not have. To hug him last night when I have not seen him for so long... and he is now dating my old roomie. And they are happy together. I fake the smile, I hide the disappointment, but I love the gleam in their eyes. Why should I stand in their way? I did for so long before... that is why I never let them meet too much before, I know. I am such a bitch somes. But I missed our friendship..... and, from the hug last night, he did too. So there it is.

GOODNESS I SAW IT COMING
OR AT LEAST I'LL CLAIM I DID
BUT IN TRUTH I'M LOST FOR WORDS.

Could it actually be happening? Could I perhaps be able to love? I think sometimes I have and then I know sometimes I have not ever in my life ... but I want to. I really want to. I want to meet in the middle this time and I feel I can for once.

I do not know why I get all excited about this shit - I just do not want to be disappointed again! I want to be worshipped and feel like I am the only thing in his world that matters... I have not felt like that in a long time... not since my ex and, even then, in that, there was not a whole truth. I just want that feeling that I know exists somewhere to be mine.

YOU'RE THE ONLY THING I LOVE
IT SCARES ME MORE EVERY DAY
ON MY KNEES I THINK CLEARER

In this time, my life is not at all solid or stable. But I work everyday towards it.

Prince Charming is around again. I love that he is, he makes me smile. How stupid it is, to care so much because he makes me smile. But to honestly smile - for me - it takes something significant. We just need time so I am not as awkward (I looked it up for spelling... wierd word!) around him as I was the other morning! Oh my gawd, it was so cute... I felt like I was in high school again talking to that pedistool crush and trying to be so cool....

haha, hah ha. the mere thought of it. High school. Already so long ago. I keep wondering what I am doing... but I know I am on the right path, I feel it. My life is my way and I AM that kid, that rebellious one that no one is surprised by the tattoo or the piercings, the love affairs and the down times... no one is surprised by her ability to love from afar but.. wait, a minute, what DO I do?
*I cannot remember the last time someone held me that I cared for deeply close in their arms and told me that things would be okay...*

Christmas time for me is usually very lonely. I have no one I care to love in my life who want me by their side this time of year. Hard to believe I know. I sort of wanted it that way I think unconsciously. So it is just me and the bunnies and chinchilla at the new digs for that fun time...

I am going to drink some at night, smoke pot all day, go for hikes in the middle of the day with a CD player and just be thankful that I am who I am - I am so in love with me right now that the positive thought of me KNOWING I am okay.... does this make sense? Read it again, it does, I promise. I am SO okay this year!... last year was three sleepless days on a binder where I was so miserable that the ex-wife and the boyfriend could not help me out of... and had to watch.

I am SO okay this year. I could not care less.... so please, thanks for the invites but I cannot be with other people's families.. I have to be with the ones I truly love or nothing. The theripist covered by my insurance will have to break me of that one soon...

Things have been tough while I was away. But I am so happy with the progress and the leaps I have made, the progress I have attained with my inner self who was so drowned with the alcohol and other shit I did I could not hear her... we speak quite a bit now. And I am so happy with where I am in the past year... I just took a little time for me. Now the time has come to kick it into high gear and "rock out with my cock out" (my ex-wife and I are sick) cuz I feel it...

:sings:
good things are coming... coming on soon.
good things are coming, coming o-n soon.
I hear them talking and confused in their eyes
I hear you crying and wonderin' why
I know how much you wanted me too
where I am going you cannot you fool

I thought I loved you
I wonder why
Life keeps on turning the dark into light
Sorry I dragged you for the short while
we sure-as-hell are even
Promise
For the lies

I am so sorry
for those demis-ed.... times.

You know I loved you
I don't know why.
:bows her head:

Been doing that alot. Wish you all could have heard it. Maybe getting a mic would be a good idea huh? Much love, peace, and cheers to a day off... I love my life so much sometimes.

Mahalo lovers, *puss*puss* ,
~ the angel*